First name Lyka, last name Bawce.

Time for a change.

2011-12-30T22:24:00.003+04:00

So I've had this blog for about 3 and half years now, and let's face it. This past year I haven't written one concise, substantial post. I think I need to start a new blog.
I turned 18 last month. Wehewwww.

Ah.. I need change. I need. change.

So goodbye closet-sixteen.

I need a new home.

I'm a terrible terrible person.

2011-11-18T14:42:00.001+04:00

Revamping this god forsaken place and I'm never leaving you again!

ALEXANDER SKARSGARD IS SEX

2011-09-03T15:17:00.000+04:00

Hola mi amigas!

Yes! I am back home and I am ecstatic! I arrived a week ago, and considerable changes have happened since, I can now sing while playing guitar and my guitar playing has improved as well, I have finally gotten over my ex once and for all! and I feel exhilarated! I feel like nothing is holding me back from happiness anymore, and I feel like I can do anything! Because I have pushed my doubts away and I know I am! I am happy, and confident, and I can't wait to show the world the new me. I've never been this content and satisfied with myself and it shows me I really have grown up. And just in time too, it's my 18th birthday in 2 months and... It's time to change. For the better.

So! here's a few updates:

I've been watching True Blood and I am soooo obsessed with it now, sure watching this show has bruised my morality, but man is this show goodddddd. UGH. NEW BEEF CAKE in the list, Alexander Skarsgard, who is absolute masculine PERFECTION. Damn, I need to get me some Swede. Anyways...
School in 4 days, and I'm not excited about it like I usually am, but... I'm looking forward to it.
Because of my mom's cancer treatments, we're really in a tight financial crunch, meaning we no longer can afford our usual luxuries and... meaning.. WE'RE POOR NOW. And I'm not really complaining, it's just one of the facts of life. You can't be happy forever.
I'm not depressed anymore! woohoo!
I bought THE hottest dress before leaving Cebu, and I cannot wait to wear it! Definitely gonna save it for a BIG occasion where all eyes and cameras will be on me. Seriously, this dress is a show stopper.
I got my hair rebonded last night, and I think I really did it this time, I was so scared my hair would fall off from all the abuse it was receiving, I feared the heat killed my roots and now my hair's gonna fall off. Thank God it didn't, but from now on, I'm being EXTRA careful with my mane. It's the source of my confidence after all.

Not gonna bore you with boring details, I'm happy so, la dee da, that's all that matters right? :)

One morning you just wake up and you feel new.

Honestly...

2011-08-22T09:41:00.001+04:00

Your ex texted you and wanted you back. Would you take him/her back?
- Yes.
Has anyone told you “forever and ever” then left?
- No.
Your relationship status?
- Forever alone.
Where did you meet your crush(es)?
- School, family friend.
Have you ever lost a close friend?
- 4 times.
Would you parents be mad if you were in a relationship?
- No.
When was the last time you really laughed?
- I can't remember.
Something is wrong. First guy you turn too?
- N.
First girl you’d turn to?
- Radhika.
Is there anyone who doesn’t like you because of something you did?
- Haha, well I wouldn't know, no one's ever confronted me saying they had a problem with me.
Angry at anyone?
- Angry at everything. But not anyone.
What’s stopping you from going for the person you like?
- I'm kind of old school. I wouldn't ask a guy out, I'd feel like I'm throwing myself at him. The other thing that's stopping me is well, he's taken.
When was the last time you cried really hard?
- Last week.
Is there anyone you would do anything for?
- My mom.
Who was the last person you talked to for more than 10 minutes on the phone?
- My cousin.
What is your favorite song?
- Currently, Karmin's version of 'Look At Me Now'.
Do you like Red Bull?
- NO.
How many people can you tell just about everything to?
- 2.
Have you ever wished on a shooting star?
- No, what's a big ball of burning gas gonna do for me?
Does the last person you held hands with mean something to you?
- Yes.
Describe yourself in one word.
- Hard.
Do you have anything that belongs to your ex?
- Nope.
Can you honestly say you’ve had a sleepover with the opposite gender?
- Yes.
Do you rebound?
- No
Ever cheated on someone?
- NEVER.
What would you do if you found out the person you like was in a relationship?
- HAHA, already livin' it. I would suck it up, and keep walking.
Do you act differently around the person you like?
- No, I am who I am at all times.
Honestly, what guy’s number do you have memorized?
- My dads.
Is it hard to make you laugh?
- I have a weird sense of humor, so maybe. I laugh at jokes for socialization's sake. But LAUGH LAUGH, that's kinda hard.
Who was the last person to make you mad?
- This annoying maid in the house. GOD. Insolent child.
Do you think your last ex will eventually want to be with you again?
- No.
Have you ever fallen asleep in someone’s arms?
- No.
Has anyone ever called you scrumptious before?
- No.
Would you like to put a night on repeat and live it forever?
- Yes. This one night I spent laughing, and dancing... I felt good.
Do you have a best friend that knows you inside and out?
- YES.
Is your best friend a slut?
- LMAO. No. I wouldn't be good friends with one.
Are you happy with life right now?
- .... Human emotions are complicated, right now I'm chill, I'm not upset but not happy either. Right now I'm not 'content' with my life.
Are you still in love with your ex?
- I don't think so.
Have you ever been the “other person” in a relationship?
- NEVER. Being the mistress is just as bad as the one cheating.
Have you ever had your heart broken?
- Yes, and it was my fault.
Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
- Regrettably, yes.
Is there anybody you’re really disappointed in?
- Yeah, a girl, who I was close with.
Where is your best friend?
- Kenya. But coming back to Dubai the SAME day I am, amazing :D
Something you’re happy about?
- That my 1 1/2 old puppy can walk up and down the stairs by himself!
How is your heart lately?
- In bad condition.

can't think of a title so just look at it

2011-08-16T21:07:00.002+04:00

Art Appreciation: Sarah Bernhard

Sit at a typewriter and bleed.

2011-08-16T21:00:00.002+04:00

I was watching Predators, and Adrian Brody's character said something that fascinated me. I'm always fascinated by literature - beautiful words. So, he said this line, which was more like philosophy, and the girl asked him if he made it up himself, and he said no; Hemingway.

This is the second time I've heard that name in media, the first was in Katy Perry's song "Ur So Gay". Katy Perry's Scorpio, so.. I guessed if she mentioned Hemingway it would be a good, deep and meaningful read. I know, shame on me for not knowing who Ernest Hemingway was, for not reading any of his literature. Me! A lover of speech and comprehension.

Anyways, I've been reading up so quotes and filling up my mind with quality substance, that it made me realize how so many things nowadays dumb me down... dumb as down! And I never really notice it. I think everyone should read the classics, not just the gossipy, racy books out now a days that are solely written to excite sexually frustrated teens. Hemingway's words are so fulfilling, it makes me wish that even my words could one day become as fulfilling as his, as good, and as mind-bending. Hey, like I always say, keep working to get there cuz I got my whole life to do it! I want people to quote me, and really take what I say, and have it ingrained in their subconscious.

Hemingway! You are my idol!

Next to Christina Aguilera, Gordon Ramsay and Pauline Mata.

Oh crap I just read he commited suicide... that's not good... Nonetheless, Hemingway you are a hero in literature.

"Once in camp I put a log on a fire and it was full of ants. As it commenced to burn, the ants swarmed out and went first toward the center where the fire was; then turned back and ran toward the end. When there were enough on the end they fell off into the fire. Some got out, their bodies burnt and flattened, and went off not knowing where they were going. But most of them went toward the fire and then back toward the end and swarmed on the cool end and finally fell off into the fire. I remember thinking at the time that it was the end of the world and a splendid chance to be a messiah and lift the log off the fire and throw it out where the ants could get off onto the ground. But I did not do anything but throw a tin cup of water on the log, so that I would have the cup empty to put whiskey in before I added water to it. I think the cup of water on the burning log only steamed the ants."

"Often a man wishes to be alone and a girl wishes to be alone too and if they love each other they are jealous of that in each other, but I can truly say we never felt that. We could feel alone when we were together, alone against the others. But we were never lonely and never afraid when we were together."

Come here baby put your hands on my body ~

2011-08-15T15:42:00.003+04:00

Paris Hilton is in the Philippines? Gurl what you doin' here?

Last night was SUCH A FUCKIN' MESS.
So my dad arrived, didn't speak a word to him, pretended my dysmenorrhea pain was so severe I had to go back to the car, I kept giving my dad death glares and at one point I even mouthed 'Fuck you.' to him I was.. on fire. I confronted him again and he was just like, 'whatever, believe what you want, I'll go on with my life.'. Then after more swearing and accusing from my part. My dad was like 'you know what, lets talk about it now', and then he tells my mom about what's going on, and I start bawlinnnnn'! Ugh. I hated myself from that point on.

So.. it turns out, this was ALL a fucked up EXAGGERATED lie that my brother planted into my mind. It's all his fault. And my father's aswell for not clearing it up with me right away. None of this was my fault, I was put into SUCH a horrible and DIFFICULT situation, I was so ANGRY! Relieved that no he wasn't really cheating, but still as angry as I was before! Because, I was made as a fool! I was a guinea pig in someone else's game! I believed my brother because I thought 'why would my brother LIE about something like this?', but now that I know that he did lie, I have just completely lost all respect and trust on my brother, he's always been a liar but I never thought he would take it this far. Does he think this is funny? This is no fucking joke.

See this is how BAD Leos are, they cause drama out of boredom and MESS with other people's lives. My brother is a fucked up asshole that is being punished right now by having no social life or real friends, and oh yeah, he's a total loser. I can't believe he almost cost me and my father's relationship, NOW, it is SO messed up that our relationship has gone back SO FAR that we can't even talk without awkwardness or passive aggression. Even though it wasn't true, now I'm ALWAYS suspicious of him, I feel so.. SUSPICIOUS! My spidey senses are still tingling... ugh.

My mom and dad have proven to me last night that they were made for each other, seriously, both of them ganged up on me telling me if my dad cheated she wouldn't mind and she told me to just get over it, like WTF? Are you guys normal? and I asked for an apology, which I didn't get. But I fought hard goddamn it. I crossed the line, and ya know what, it's only because I need them to realize that I need MORE emotional understanding from the both of them. But to no avail, my honest outbursts last night didn't make a difference. My mom did say she appreciated me defending and trying to protect her. But argh. God I can't even explain.... How RIDICULOUS, and just.. FUCKED UP! that confrontation was. Anyways, in my mind I was relieved that my... prayers that he wasn't really cheating came true. I'm still in disbelief that they were answered. I'm still not convinced of the power of prayer, shame on me, yes.

When my dad wasn't around, I ... out of impulse and rage.. cut a gaping hole in his jacket, in a hidden area where he wouldn't notice till he wore it. When I woke up this morning I FELT SO GUILTY, and IN SOOO MUCH TROUBLE for doing that. UGH! I should've thought more clearly. I've learnt my lesson now, I said a silent prayer to God to let me fix it before he sees. Which I did, I took the chance to repair the hole when he left to pick something up, and I must say; I have never sewn so fast in my life! I took my grandma's sewing kit, got a needle and a thread; green, I couldn't find black, so I sewed it as best as I could, and I did a damn good job, it looked like it never happened, but there were hints of green here and there, which I concealed with a black pen, afterwards, I let out a sigh of relief and THANKED GOD, he gave me this chance to fix my mistake. Makes me wish I was also given time to fix mistakes as if it never happened.

Anyways, I'm going to.. put this in the past, and just... GET THIS OVER WITH! UGH! This was just.. a fucking mess, and... I am just going to make sure this will never happen again. EVEN THOUGH, this was NOT my fault, and it was their fault for putting me in this position, which should have never have happened. There's gonna be some payback.

Right there

2011-08-15T14:33:00.001+04:00

What a day.

2011-08-13T20:28:00.000+04:00

Went to the Simala Shrine up in the mountains this morning, my mom told me that the shrine was built because in 1998, Mother Mary supposedly appeared to 4 monks who lived in the once barren land, and since her appearance the land had flourished, so they built the shrine for her in gratitude. We attended the mass which I didn't understand a WORD of because it was all in Bisaya, a language I don't speak, I was SO sleepy, I really believed I was gonna snooze while standing up, I kept digging my nails into my skin to wake myself up, but nope, that didn't work. Oh, not until the church dog appeared. Yeah. There's a church dog. A big brown and white dog with intelligent looking eyes. It walked around the alter and places like nothing. It was nice, I love dogs! And apparently there's a church dog in another shrine who amazingly bows 3 times in the alter, with no training! I wanna see that.

The church was packed with believers desperate for healing and blessing, after the mass people hoarded to the alter to get blessed by the priest. My mom was in the wheelchair and she was blessed first, I was beside her, so I was second. He said "Believe in the Gospel, and you will be healed". I looked at my moms closed prayerful eyes, and I thought... she's got a shot at this. Then I thought about me.. whether I can believe and be healed. I felt like a non-believer pretending to believe. Even though in my heart I DO believe. But maybe I'm just so hopeless about anything making my life better that I just don't bother anymore.

As I was sitting in the church pews, I scanned the chuch artworks, because I had a theory that the Illuminati infiltrated the Catholic church many years ago, I googled it, and it seemed many shared my theory, one article claiming there's an all seeing eye in every church. And sure enough; right above me was a glass painting with the all seeing eye, surrounded by clouds and rays of light, there were angels surrounding it, which I tried to count but my eyesight failed me =_=. What I wonder is, how does it get there? is there an Illumaniti member hidden in every church? Or atleast, a member that is involved with the first few months of building the church? is it a recognized universal necessity in every church that no priest or nun ever bothered to look up? Is there mind control or brainwash involved? I don't know, the possibilities are endless. But that little glass painting right above me, told me that there was definitely more to what we believe in. How did they infiltrate us? What did they set out to do or prove? To prove they are watching us even in our own worship place? Or that they ARE in the church? Could they have changed something in the Bible that was CRUCIAL for Christians? or removed? Again! Endless possibilities. As I write this, I feel they're watching me. LOL. *shivers*

On our way down the mountain, we stopped at some roadside stall, and my aunt bought a bag of FRESH, unroasted, straight from the soil - peanuts. She kept cracking shells open and giving it to me, I couldn't refuse even though I felt a little nauseous. So I ate them, they tasted sweet? and they were really.. moist. It was RAW. After a few minutes I felt like puking, and I did. I haven't puked in YEARS. The last time I remember I did, was when I had this really bad homemade burger, and I puked in the toilet, this was like... 5 years ago. I puked in a plastic bag and tied it up, then my mom opened the window and threw it into the forest. LMAO. Forest animals are gonna loveee this. I kid. I felt better after puking.

Afterwards, we went to this Cebu Pride festival, and just walked around. Bought nice bracelets for an EXTREMELY cheap cost. 3-freakin-dirhams for 2 friendship bracelets! I'd have to order these online for $12! Been looking for these everywhere. My aunts all offered to buy me WHATEVER I wanted, and I was SO excited, but UGH. There was nothing good in the fashion+accessories area! Everything looked tacky and.... just not me =_=. I decided to buy these freshwater pearl earrings, that look darling. I don't think pearls suit me but my best friend said pearls help to calm anger. Since I have vast raging sea of anger, I'll try it. I don't wanna wear it tomorrow because I'm gonna need all of that rage to take out on my father.

Speaking of which! The bitch is arriving tomorrow night at 7:00pm. And my mom is so excited it breaks my heart. And it makes me hate him even more. While I was brushing my teeth this morning, I remembered a piece of information I disregarded a few months ago BEFORE we left for Dubai. My dad apparently went an expensive restaurant by himself without telling anyone, but my brother found out because he saw the reciept, and what was strange was that it was a meal for two. I didn't have the slightest notion that he was seeing someone else, maybe an ounce of me did. But I quickly disregarded, NOWWW that I remember this, I am even MOREEEE fueled with rage and I cannot wait to throw this in his face. This is why Scorpios would make great lawyers. Oh man... great. Now I'm angry. I am really angry!

Oh, this afternoon we skyped with my cousin and my brother, then my dad came in the room, and he looked so fucking guilty, and was being all nice to my mom, then the call cut, and when we got it back, the bitch was gone. Bitch took the chance to run away. COWARD. but at the same time, yeah you better run you disgusting piece of shit. I hope your plane crashes cuz that's what you get for being a selfish stupid pig.

ANYWAYS :) this post is long enough for you to never want to come back.

Goodnight. And keep an eye on your husband, your father, your brother, and man! MEN. ARE. PIGS. Do not forget.

YEAH YEAH, I knowww, don't generalize, but all the ladies can back me on this.

Night.

Art Appreciation

2011-08-11T08:25:00.003+04:00

50/50

2011-08-10T15:22:00.000+04:00

Breakfast

2011-08-10T10:36:00.004+04:00

Goodmorning everyone.

It's raining, the dogs are playing, my mom's in a good mood, and we're enjoying popsicles. It's a new day and even though I still wanna kill my father and his dumb bitch. Today I can put it aside and focus on taking care of my mother. Which I'm doing better than usual today, maybe because I realized I need to be more responsible or because I feel bad for my mom. Or both.

There's this guy on youtube, his name is the 'AmazingAthiest', and haha, he truly is amazing, the guy speaks the TRUTH. Even though I am a Catholic, I definitely believe in God, but his outspokenness and thirst for truth is what draws me to his videos. He's extremely intelligent aswell. Anyways, he said in a video once, I'm not quoting, but just paraphrasing, he said that people don't feel just one emotion at one time, you feel different emotions all at once and that's what makes us complex. When you're sad, you're not just sad, you're angry, disappointed, maybe relieved? Right now, I feel relaxed, but.. sad, thankful for a new day but.. angry that my father remains undealt with. As soon as he gets there. Oh boy. I will release hell upon him.

Last night I cried myself to sleep, I was so angry, those were anger tears. I kept imagining the different ways I could torture the dumb bitch, I imagined beating her up repeatedly till she bled and lost consciousness, then I imagined stabbing my father over and over again.... EEESH. I don't know how I fell asleep but I did.
I have a theory that the number his whore is using is his old number, because he's using my moms number now... I'll call it and gave the lady a piece of my mind. But first! I need to get load. Can't wait! :)

On a much better note, I feel.. strangely empowered to do anything I want. I feel this sense of freedom. Maybe because now my father has lost the title and authority OF my being my father, I feel I don't have any superiors I should respect, please, or impress. I'm not.. living life for ME. Feels good actually.

There are still moments that I doubt myself.. not about my dad's case, but doubt myself when it comes to my capabilities, but I brush the doubts off my shoulder as soon as it creeps in.

FUCKING LIAR!! LIARRR!

2011-08-09T20:47:00.002+04:00

Okay so.. right now I am fighting back tears, because I just found out my father's mistress stopped by the house looking for him and my dad was hiding from her, as soon as my brother told me, I called him up and confronted him. I heard him give me the nervous laugh and kept feeding me bullshit. I called him a fucking liar and hung up. I am so FUCKING SICK of these things happening to me. I HATE CRYING! even though it feels good to be weak for ONCE. But no, I can't right now, I can't let anyone see me like this. Especially my mom. She's sleeping right now. I told everyone to fuck off. I put on my iPod, and now I'm listening to Christina Aguilera, I need to be strong, I don't deserve this, my mom doesn't deserve this. I might look back at this and think I'm overreacting but haha, nope. I wish I was overreacting, but this is the real deal. Wow. fuckin wow. I have never felt so betrayed in my life. and I'm not the one who's being cheated on. MEN ARE FUCKING PIGS! PIGS!!!! HES A FUCKING PIG! I HOPE HE DIES! I cant look at his DISGUSTING face ever again! FUCKING PIG! DISGUSTING! I HOPE HE GOES TO FUCKING HELL! life just keeps gettin better doesnt it? Story of my fuckin life.

I have lost all respect for my father. I wish him and his whore all the fuckin best. I hope both of them crash and burn. FUCK people like my dad. DISGUSTING PIECES OF SHIT. WHY? WHY??? WHY????

But you know what? I have never felt more determined to destroy the people who destroyed my life. Im taking this on stride. I'll fucking make them hate they were born.

Quickie

2011-08-09T14:08:00.006+04:00

Since a newspaper's worth of events has happened to me, I am just going to make a list! Ya'll know how much I love lists! :D

Cousin is going to live with me. And... as much as I hate non-immediate family living with us, this one cannot be helped. I'm also very close with this cousin, but she's quite a troublesome one. So.. lets see how this one plays out. You know I always have a hidden agenda ;)
I went to the mountains! It was gorgeous and it took my breath away! Highlight of being in The Philippines.
Spent all my savings here, going out, eating, shopping. All that jazz. I would've never done that, but my dad reassured me he had money saved up to make up for my expenses. I now wonder if that's true.
Captain America: The First Avenger is THE SECKS, DAYMNNNNNN when Chris Evans came out of that cocoon-transforming-thing, WOOOOOOO!!!!!! GURLLLL HE LOOK DAYMNNN FINEEEE. I was literally gawking and having fits. Chris Evans! WHAT A BEEFCAKE!
*LMAO. I have categories, 'Beefcakes'; are total HUNKS. they're the super built, manly-man kinda guys, 'Stud muffins'!; Are good looking, slightly built (but no necessarily) guys with boy-ish charm :)
Got new glasses, it has that tortoise shell effect I was looking for. My cousin says it makes me look expensive lol. The shape's not very different from my last one, but the subtle change is noticeable.
I have a little puppy here! His name's Stewie, he's 3 weeks old and uber cute!

LESS YOU. MORE ME.

2011-08-09T13:35:00.001+04:00

I am broke. Not money broke, but.. broken?

I've always prided myself on being cool calm collected, and my ability to remain rational and view situations objectively, but, lately, with everything plaguing my thoughts, I'm just angry. Really angry. I'm tired of being pushed around and walked over, and it's no one else's fault but mine. I want to avoid conflict so much I end up letting people have their way just to make them shut up and for everyone to get on with their lives.

I forgot how it is to actually fight for what I WANT. Its always me GIVING, and caring for others, , and zipping my mouth shut and swallowing that burning NEED to yell at everyone, that I end up being taken advantage of! and what ANGERS me the most is that, I know I'm not that person! Yes I am a humanitarian at heart, but Lyka Velez is no doormat! The Lyka I know is fierce, proud, and not always liked, but.. ADMIRED! Now I am.. ALWAYS liked, and still a little admired, but I am everyone's go-to person for pep talks, complements and motivation (if there was another me, I would go to her everyday, I need... someone like me), because I almost never refuse to help, I have a very giving heart, I get joy from helping other people find their own joy, and in the end, I help them reach the top, and where am I? At the bottom! It's after I help raise this person to be the best that they can be, that I realize that I'm still down here! Unable to help myself! I always put people first before myself, and you know what, I have had ENOUGH. No more being NICE. I am bringing back the old Lyka who went by the name Angelica.

When I was Angelica (which is my real name, Lyka is my nickname), GURL. I let nothing get in my way, I didn't give a second glance to anyone around me, it was ME, loving MYSELF, helping MYSELF, improving MYSELF, and taking care of MYSELF! That's alot of ME's but the life I'm leading now, there is NO 'ME'.

My dad always taught me, put yourself first, before anyone else (the Bible does say so)!

When I get back to Dubai, there will be a change, and mark my words, I am NOT letting myself put others before me.

The C word

2011-08-06T22:14:00.001+04:00

Lovin' the new blogger! it's about time they revamped the interface.

I'm in the Philippines yo! After 15 years of being away, I had to come back. And I mean really... I had to come back. Under bad circumstances. Circumstances that in the back of my mind I knew would bring me back here but I never really thought would happen.
I always said that the only reason I'd ever come back was if there was a funeral. Well the reason isn't that. But it is pretty damn grim... My mom has cancer, not the treatable, not-scary-sounding-breast cancer, but the terminal kind. She has stage 4 breast cancer, and whole lot of complications. She still has time left, I'm guessing a year, god willing she makes it.

On my flight to Cebu (my mother's hometown where she's currently being treated), I started writing in my journal again, because I knew this would be.. a vacation (if you can call it that) I would never forget. A trip away from home that would change my life. That would change who I am ultimately. Being here taking care of my mom has been such an emotional roller coaster. I don't show that deep down inside is a whirlpool of emotional turmoil, because half the time I forget myself. I've adjusted to the uncomfortable living conditions here, which is far from the comfort I have at home. My room suddenly looks like a hotel room to me.

Many times I've wanted to go home, but... I wouldn't feel right about leaving my mom in this condition. Even though she herself is very insensitive and inconsiderate of people's feelings. Yeah, my mom ain't no trophy mother, all my life I yearned for that caring and supportive warmth every kid deserves, but instead I got a military disciplinarian with a bipolar personality. I may sound harsh but, I can guarantee you, you have never met anyone like my mom. She's a one woman circus.

So I've been here for approximately 2 months, I arrived on June 17, I flew a day after school finished because my mom's condition was getting worse, and we wanted to surprise her earlier than she expected us. My dad and I walked into her hospital room and out came the waterworks. Long story cut short. It's August now and I'm all alone in supporting my mother. My brothers and my dad went back to Dubai because of work, leaving me behind. So much drama has unfolded since I came, and most of them I went through alone. Without the shoulder of my brothers or my friends. I can confidently say I've never grown stronger in my life. I fly back on August 20, so 2 weeks to go! woohoo!

I consoled myself by repeatedly telling myself this is an opportunity to get intouch with my roots, to grow, and to take care of mommy dearest. Setting my feelings aside, I can only imagine how my mom feels... that fear that you know you're going to die. It must be like a slow moving train, you know where it's going, you can try slowing it down but you know where it's gonna stop. Alot of people are in denial. But not me. I think I'm ready... I have a plan... I have... a plan...

I'm realistic. I put together facts and I don't deny what those facts tell me. And those facts tell me that sooner or later, I'm going to be motherless and struggling to finish my education. Its life. People.. die. I really wish she didn't have this disease. I wanted my mom to be there when I get married or graduate from university. But that.. is something that was robbed from me. From me, from my mother, from my family. Which truthfully is my mom's fault. Because of her stubbornness and addiction to work, she dusted her health problems under a rug to be forgotten and let the disease break into her bones and rob that future we were supposed to have. She let it happen. A truth she realizes and blames herself daily for. All I can do is hug her and wipe her tears away, and tell her it isn't. When deep inside I feel mad at her for letting it get to this. It could have been avoided, it could have! But what's done is done. All I can do is pray for her peace of mind, and quality of life. And... get used to it.

Not only is mom sick, but oh right, a few days ago my brother's spotted my dad in a car with another woman, they weren't doing anything, he waved at my brother's with an idiotic open mouthed smile and later on explained that he was doing car-lifts and she was just woman who worked at the downstairs coffee shop.

I don't believe it.

My cousin's dad was a cheater. IS a cheater. He's a horrible man and I do not want to have anything to do with people like that. So if he really is having an affair, he's going to be out of the house and I will see to it that he's back in the slums and I will make sure he doesn't earn a cent. Hn. For the last few years I built the greatest and strongest bond with my dad, I had respect for him and I admired him, I never thought he'd do this. But... You can't believe in absolutes. People are capable of anything. And men? Men get lonely, and like most men, they're pigs. Circumstances have changed and I can suspect him for being capable of cheating on my mom. I started avoiding him and I haven't confronted him yet... Maybe when he gets here. I wanna see his face.

Anyways, it is 2:06am, and I have to go with mom to church in the morning... so.. yeah... Night. I hope this 'hard to digest' post explains my disappearance. I'm not even gonna apologize for it.

HOLY SHIT!

2011-05-16T11:09:00.000+04:00

OMGOGMOGMOGMGOGMOGMG TJTHYNE DIRECT MESSAGED ME ON TWITTER!!! OMGGGGG!!! I CAN DIE HAPPY NOW.

AND HOLY SHIT. STATS SAY I GOT A VIEWER FROM THE U.S RECENTLY. COULD HE HAVE CLICKED THE CLOSET-SIXTEEN LINK? JESUS.

Terrified

2011-04-05T15:05:00.001+04:00

I really think it's time to put our bad lives behind us. I wanna be religious again, the end is just so near I can sense it. It's hard for me to pray. I feel like I'm running away from my religion because I know I haven't been a very good Christian and I feel really bad about it. Really ashamed and sorry... :(

Everytime I try to face the truth, I just get terrified. It is so scary... heaven and hell? If an 8 year old can go to hell (google Angelica Zambrano) then what chance do we have? What chance do I have? It's so much easier to ignore and live my life the way I usually do, but it's not enough.. :\ being a good person is not enough.

See this?

2011-04-05T14:52:00.002+04:00

I want it.

Little Bit

2011-04-04T14:00:00.001+04:00

What can you do when you're good isn't good enough?

2011-04-04T13:45:00.006+04:00

My love life has always been a rocky situation for me. I just haven't found the right person yet. Or maybe I did but let him go. But either way, here's three things I wanna advise to people reading this, because trust me, I have gone through it all (almost).

1. Don't listen to anyone else, but yourself.

How many times have we been swayed to make a decision? because our friends told us repeatedly to "go for it"? or not to go for it? say this, say that, do this, do that... All these mind games, tricks to make him/her fall for you? all the 'right' moves? Don't listen to them. DO NOT listen to them. Most of the time your friends just want to see something interesting happen, so the advice they give might actually get you into more drama than get you out of it, or they're frustrated by your situation that they want you to deal with it their way. Well it's not their problem, and who knows yourself and the situation better than you? who knows the guy you like/love better than you? If they do not know him any more than you do, or are fucked up in the head themselves, then do not take advice from them. It's okay to listen to other people's perspectives, but don't let their whispers in your ear decide what you should do. Listen to your instincts, nothing is more right than that. Do what YOU want. Because trust me, it is always the best.

2. Don't change yourself to be someone he'd want to be with.

Doing this is catastrophic for your chances of getting the right guy/girl. Look, the person you project, is the kind of person you attract. If you are yourself, you will eventually catch someone's eye, who will appreciate you for YOU. Who likes you for who you are, not for the person you're trying to be. Trying to be someone who you think would "attract" him/her, is just tiring, and a waste of your time, in the long run, you're both going to realize how wrong for each other you actually are. Just stay true to yourself, and you will find someone :)

3. Be happy.

Okay, I can't just tell you to "BE HAPPY", but this is many things into one. First of all, focus on yourself, get yourself together and find happiness through something you're good at, or achievement, nothing is more fulfilling, than working hard on something and succeeding, and this will make you feel so good about yourself! and feeling good about yourself makes you feel empowered! and attractve ;D. So focus on self-improvement, this is the first step to moving on from heartbreak or finding a new love.

That's it, take it or leave it ya'll. This is the cheesiest post I have ever written. Oh god.

M.I.A for too long!

2011-04-03T11:15:00.000+04:00

SHIT I'VE BEEN GONE FOR A MONTH. Time to bring this place back to life.

HIATUS

2011-03-02T16:49:00.000+04:00

I realize I won't be able to properly manage this blog anymore. So I will be on hiatus... for now... don't know how long... probably when writing starts feeling like a hobby again and less of a chore.

Bye bye Closet16.

Try and Error

2011-02-16T23:37:00.001+04:00

I KNOW I KNOW GAHH!

So in the 1 month I have posted my best friend Carlos has moved back to Brazil and I am devastated. I did get his cat for some time, but we decided to let it stay in his abandoned house, because she just cannot live indoors. Don't worry she's perfectly fine, I feed her regularly, and she's healthy and happy. After Carlos's departure, I went through this reckless faze and cut my hair, yes, I am patiently waiting for my long locks to return. But I'm pretty happy with it, got alot of compliments.

Bought those nude suede shoes, and I haven't mustered the courage to wear them out yet. I'm still practicing in them and stretching them out, cuz I don't wanna go out and stumble around like Bambi.

WENT TO SEE MIKE POSNER AND PHARREL IN CONCERT! Front and center baby! it was such an amazing night. I touched Pharrell's hand! like proper hand to hand contact!!! ahhh! he's so sexy. lmao XD

I'm still inlove.

Alabama Arkansas I do love my ma and pa

2011-01-21T16:57:00.000+04:00

Haven't posted properly since Christmas, shame on me D:

I was planning to make a post in full detail, with pictures and everything, a mega update, but I don't think that can happen anytime soon.

Family from Holland left on January 2nd, I had the best time with them, and I miss them so much already, especially Zoe my gorgeous little niece, who made me feel like I had a little sister for 10 days, and I enjoyed every second of it. I hope to see them again in the not-so-far future. :)

Work experience arrives on March 13! I already found two placements (usually we're only suppose to find one, but thanks to my well-connected brother, Mark, I was lucky enough to get two!), 2 days in EMI Music, and 3 days with his friend who works in Media Production. I'm really excited :D, I already googled 'How To Be A Good Intern', all that's left is to finalize my work placements, and to plan five cool outfits for the five days I'm working XD. There can be no mistakes! and there cannot be one day where I can't look amazing! I'm going for a cool, chilled out indie look haha :D. I need to have confidence and a positive outlook if I want this to work out, so yeah.

School has been okay, ups and plenty of downs, but I'm coping. I have alot of days where I get really down and have pussy moments. So down that I start to think it's impossible to get out of it. But after a while I bounce back.

I might get a cat. Friend is moving back to Brazil, and I was honored to be it's new master. I've always wanted a cat curled up at the foot of my bed! Plus I need all the things that can boost my mood, anything that makes me feel less blue.

My wallet is black hole. Need to save money so I can shop.

I am EXTREMELY active on tumblr and twitter, if I don't get to post, please check these two sites.

Went to the annual Standard Chartered Marathon in Media City with a few friends, it was good. I felt like a psycho waking up at 6am on a Friday just to make it to this thing. Then went to MOE for lunch and a movie. The Dilemma is a surprisingly great film.

Guitar practice is going really good! I'm really passionate about it, and so far I haven't felt like quitting or lost interest. I'd love to one day perform on stage :D, that would be like, a dream come true. I'm glad I didn't take guitar lessons because I'm going at my own pace, and it's not become a sort of 'subject' I have to learn, it's a hobby :).

Tab told me something yesterday I really liked, he told me

"You're not happy, because you don't love yourself. If you loved yourself, you'd be happy."

He's right.

The tiredness started to sink in, I feel like taking a nap right now, ahh, especially with this weather, it's awesome. Grey, cloudy and windy :) just how I like it! It was raining earlier, which is something we who live in Dubai; cherish.

Anyways, PHOOO! Goodnight! Nap time :)

Bye 2010

2011-01-01T00:00:00.000+04:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2011

Mega Update soon!

Have yourself a merry little christmas :)

2010-12-25T00:00:00.003+04:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! :D

My heart swells with joy on this day :D

God bless and take care everyone :) ♥ !!

Let's not forget this is the season of forgiveness and harmony!
^-^ Spread the love!!

How can there be so much that you don't know?

2010-12-23T21:06:00.000+04:00

I swear to God I'm about to burst into tears any second! T_T! WAHHHHH!!!

Tangerine

2010-12-22T05:18:00.000+04:00

I love the view from my window so much, I'm dedicating this whole post to it.

Christmas Time

2010-12-22T05:05:00.000+04:00

2 days ago, an incident triggered me to remember a traumatic experience in my life, it only bothered me for a while, before I pushed it back to the back of my mind again, but right now, tonight, that uncomfortable feeling still lingers :\.. I don't wanna post right now, but I figured it's been too long since a proper update, and Christmas is fast approaching so I will absolutely not have time.

Here is the mega update!

It is the holiday season! :D and my family is busy preparing for my arriving relatives from Holland, I'm slightly looking forward to it now, the house looks good (the brown has been toned down), and the tree looks great :). I definitely feel more excitement this year than last year. Don't know why... probably because I have more reason to celebate?

Yes, Christmas came early for me :D, the universe cut me some slack and I hauled in almost EVERYTHING I wanted from my wishlist!

That includes the following:

1. Blackberry (Elite Plan, meaning I get internet + all the services for 6 months..! How.. how cool is that?!?!)
2. Curling iron
3. Watch (it looks so MGMT)
4. the shorts I have been eyeing
5. Black wayfarers!
6. A new school bag
7. Eyeshadow palette (from too faced)
8. New accessories
9. my room to be redecorated (I got frames and a canvas painting of New York on my wall)
~~10. TEMPORARY HAPPINESS~~

and I got all of this... in a weeks time.. you can imagine how overwhelmed I was XD. Seriously.. I thank God for all my blessings, I just feel so so grateful, and honestly, I felt very undeserving of everything my parents and brothers have given me, and trust me, I have been working hard to help out so I can feel I deserve it, and also to show how grateful I am lmao.
I know that to some of you, this isn't very much, and may not seem like something to be jumping in the air for, but I usually do not get these many things at once, and without having to literally beg for it, all I did was wait, and it feels really good for that patience to pay off. Also because I know my mom really juiced out her wallet to get me that Blackberry, with everything that's been going on, financially and what not, I know it was a stretch. She went all out.

Oh, Santa!

I could psychoanalyze her sudden change of character, but I'd rather not.

I've also started to take studies seriously. Because I found out my parents are moving back to my country (for reasons I cannot disclose on this blog), and I don't have the luxury of being lazy and leaving things last minute anymore - the luxury of second chances. I have to get myself together and be prepared to stand on my own by next year. My brothers will still look out for me, but they have their own lives and I don't want to be a burden.

I love my mom alot...

Just thought I'd throw that in... I know me and her don't see eye to eye, but she's my mom. And now I keep thinking about all the times I could've made her yell less and laugh more. :\ Regret people. I'm trying to take care of her better now.

Still living the ~~lonely~~ single life, even though I was sort of involved with someone for 6 months, I decided to end the fling and move on. It was just leading nowhere.

Day before yesterday I hung out with Radhika at the mall, to do some quick Christmas shopping, and just chill. I was hunting for a nice dress to wear on Christmas Eve, but unfortunately found none my mother approved of.

I wanna start wearing heels, haha XD, I tried these nude suede pumps and holy shit.. I felt the power o.o... heels just make you look so much sexier XD, and I'm 17 for god's sake, I think it's high time I dropped the flats. Plus my brothers gave me an incredulous look when I asked them this question and simply said "go for it!". When I took those heels off, I felt like I was chopped short, I really am a midget. SHAWTY! XD

It is almost 5am in the morning.. so yes.. goodnight :)!

Oh and enjoy ;D

Stuck, still no turning back.

2010-12-09T00:13:00.000+04:00

It's 11:25PM, I have school tomorrow but I'm not going, I'm sick of the routine.

Christmas tree is up, excitement is barely simmering. Dreading the day my mother turns my room into a temporary guest room. Christmas shopping tomorrow.. maybe? Hopefully...

Florence + The Machine addicted.

Sick. Sleeping patterns fucked once again. This morning I woke up with my eyes looking like lips.

Anyways, I feel very chill right now, might write a song, might draw.. Ja ne.

My new obsession

2010-12-03T14:00:00.002+04:00

If you ever need a guy, a partner for a week ~

2010-12-01T22:09:00.000+04:00

Info
[x] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly
[x] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I have/I've had braces.
[x] I wear glasses
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have piercing in places besides my ears.
[ ] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[ ] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've lost a sibling.

School/Work
[x] I'm in school.
[ ] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[ ] I almost always do my homework.
[ ] I've missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] I've stolen something from my job.
[ ] I've been fired

Embarrassment
[x] I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something.
[x] I've had my pants rip in public.

Health
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[ ] I've gotten stitches/staples.
[ ] I've broken a bone
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[ ] I've sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room.
[ ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.
[ ] I've had measles

Traveling
[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[x] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico
[x] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan
[ ] I've celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[x] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.

Experiences
[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[ ] I've seen a shooting star.
[ ] I've wished on a shooting star
[ ] I've seen a meteor shower.
[ ] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[ ] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevador.
[ ] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've gone skinny dipping.
[x] I've played spin the bottle.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed a car.
[ ] I've been Skiing.
[x] I've been in a play.
[ ] I've met someone in person from myspace.
[ ] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern lights.
[ ] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
[x] I've eaten sushi.
[x] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships
[-] I'm single
[-] I'm in a relationship
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumped more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've gotten divorced.
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[ ] I've kept something from a past relationship.
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.

Honesty/Crime
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've run a red light.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
[x] I've witnessed a crime.
[ ] I've been in a fist fight.
[ ] I've been arrested.

Drugs/Alcohol
[ ] I've consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[ ] I've passed out from drinking.
[ ] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[ ] I've smoked weed.
[ ] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[ ] I've eaten mushrooms.
[ ] I've popped E.
[ ] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[ ] I've done hard drugs.
[x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
[ ] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I'm anorexic or bulimic.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I've woken up crying.

Death and Suicide
[x] I'm afraid of dying.
[ ] I hate funerals.
[ ] I've seen someone dying.
[ ] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[ ] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[ ] I've planned my own suicide.
[ ] I've attempted suicide.
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own multiple designer purses.
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[ ] I own something I got on e-bay.
[x] I own something from Abercrombie.

Random
[ ] I can sing well.
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[x] I open up to others easily.
[ ] I watch the news.
[x] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to
rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly
[ ] I sing in the shower.
[ ] I am a morning person.
[ ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[ ] I'm a snob about grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair.
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[x] I love being neat.
[ ] I love Spam
[ ] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[ ] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or black
[ ] I've worn pajamas to school.
[x] I like Martha Stewart.
[ ] I know how to shoot a gun
[x] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[x] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message
[x] I've not turned anything in and still got an A.
[x] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[ ] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering names.
[x] I'm good at remembering dates.
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life

WEASLEY IS OUR KING!

2010-11-27T02:55:00.004+04:00

Ron Weasley is a fucking sex god!

Yeah, I'm Ron Weasley obsessed. I don't think I've seen anything hotter in my life; Rupert Grint, holding a wand upwards to lift a tent. FUCKING SEX!

Gad! I'm a fangirl now, and Ron Weasley is now my #1 in my top 5 list of hottest males. After watching Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1, Rupert Grint just shot up that list, he's the epitome of my perfect man!! XD

I had a dislike for british guys before, but haha, I am a full convert now! lmao

Anyways, just a quick update:

Mufti Day was good, had alot of fun, last year's Mufti Day was much better though.
Haven't practiced guitar in a while, been busy. Kinda.
Been absent from Catechism 4 times now, and apparently this means I won't be able to get confirmed. So yeah. No more Catechism, I just can't commit. My mom told my dad this means I can't get married or something. This is one of the things I don't like about Christianity... Not that I don't like being Catholic. I love Jesus. Jesus ♥ wewww
I am bored with my life.

2010-11-22T19:26:00.001+04:00

To all my muslim friends

2010-11-16T13:51:00.000+04:00

Eid Mubarak :)

I need a guitar pick.

2010-11-13T10:51:00.000+04:00

I think La Roux should get more credit.

Watched SAW VII this Thursday! And holeh crap it was awesome! I thought I wouldn't be able to handle the gore and puke on my friends shoes, but nope. Kinda left me wanting more.

The Eid season is here and I have one week off from school, AHHH! a much needed break. I'm not planning to spend my holiday going out, nope, just gonna stay home, and finish all my goddamn school work, because it is piled to the roof. Also, I want to spend some quality with my brothers, I really miss hanging with them. We might go to Wild Wadi on Monday, so that's something to look forward to.

December is approaching and my mom is scrambling to get the house redecorated, we got a new sofa set, carpets and tables. I should be happy but I'm not because my mother only seems to gravitate towards the color brown. Every piece of furniture is some shade of brown and I hate it, makes me feel like I'm walking into a kangaroos pouch. Okay it doesn't look that bad, the furniture looks nice, BUT REALLY? was there no other color except for brown?? A little color in the living room would be great.
Even my brother's are revamping their room a little bit, this means I'm most probably gonna get something from their room XD. They pass down some of their things to me, which is awesome because they have pretty cool stuff.

Ahhhh! I don't like it when relatives come to stay with us, I mean.. yeah it's great they'll be here, but I am big on personal space and privacy, and I can't give any of these up for too long. Otherwise I get kinda cranky, but ofcourse I'm not obvious with my distaste.

MUST GO SHOPPING. I'm about to have tears run down from my eyes because I haven't shopped in so fuckin long. Since I go out alot now a days and take lots of pictures, I cannot stress enough on how much I need to show new outfits. I sound really shallow right now, but sigh*, looking presentable is so important to me, if you're having a crappy day, looking good cancels it all out, like "Fuck it, I LOOK GOOD TONIGHT!".

I'm still learning how to play guitar, and I'm going at a snail's pace X], I'm enjoying it though.

Trying to be positive isn't hard when I think about it... actually... this morning I realized it's quite easy. You just need to.. lift that heaviness and all the burdens in your heart. Whether you picture removing it or whatever works for you, just expel that negative feeling! I. a born pessimist, feels like I can now believe that the grass IS greener on the other side, and that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. It's like I've always been standing in a dark closet, and I just found the string to turn the lights on.

Enough said, gonna continue learning basic guitar chords now :)

Last Friday Night :D

2010-11-08T21:36:00.001+04:00

I'm SEVENTEEN! AHHH! hahahah! XD
I had the most amazing 17th birthday bash at the beach this Friday!! Ahhh! it was so much fun! Not to mention, the weather was absolutely perfect!
I was hella nervous about how it would turn out, since; I have honestly never hosted anything for myself, and I feel weird making things about me for some reason XD. I was worrying about the many many things that could've gone wrong that day. But alhamdullilah! everything went better than I imagined. :D It was really unforgettable. It was so chaotic before I left the house, I curled my hair, and realized it was a bad idea, then I had to wash and blowdry it all over again, urgh, all very last minute, I was so late for the beach! I looked once in the mirror and ran out the door.

We ordered pizza, played twister, danced in the dark, and other awesome shit. Sat in a circle and played truth or dare, we cancelled out truth, so it was all dares. In short: someone peed in the bushes, licked someone's leg, performed a lap dance, felt someone up, flashed us, stuck their head in the garbage, and made loud orgasm noises. I had to kiss a girl, take my shirt off, and take my pants off (I had my shirt on by the way). Yeah.. it was.. insane...

Now that I write about it, it's nothing to be proud of. But whatever. I'm only young once for fucks sake. We'll never be as young as we are tonight.

A few friends came home with me that night and we just hung out at my pool. The perfect end to a wonderful night :)

Realized I lost my iPod in the sands when we were packing up. But I was having too much fun to really care. Though the next day I wanted to bang my head on the nearest wall for my carelessness. Thank God for my faithful red nano. Sigh*

My cake was was a real jaw-dropper XD! It had the pedobear on it and it said "Stop Getting Older Plz". haha, I owe my brother Tab for this.

The morning I woke up, I had a huge ass smile on my face, I just lay there thinking about the things we did, and ahhh, just how awesome the whole thing was. Katy Perry's 'Last Friday Night' and Rihanna's "Only Girl in the World" were my theme song for that night XD! Not to mention "Take your shirt off!" lmao.

Eeee! I love my friends so so much ♥

Remember
Remember
The 5th of November

I've been enjoying my social life lately, a little bit too much I admit, and I am so certain, my grades reflect the neglect for my studies. PTM is this week, and ohhh I can see my mom's furious face already. Ahh, no turning back now, what's done is done. All I can do is make up for it in term 2.

THE RAINY SEASON IS HERE! Rain in November! :D
Can't move my eyes away from the window. The weather is beautiful.

I Thank God for all my blessings ♥. Though things are far from perfect.

Hope you guys like the new layout, cuz I do XD. More updates tomorrow.

It is late, I have homework. I am sleep deprived and I love Lily. Goodnight!

It's my birthday?

2010-11-03T00:18:00.000+04:00

Ahhhh! I cannot believe I am turning 17 in 30 minutes (and counting). I'm not going to look back at the past year, nit picking on what I could've done, or on what I could've become, because, yeah... that's just depressing, and being 17 is all about having fun y'know? :)

This year I experienced alot, and I mean ALOT. Had some up's, and mostly down's, but really, I wouldn't change a thing about this year.

Well.. there is one thing I wish I had never done, but... if I hadn't done it.. I wouldn't have realized it's true worth :\.. Okay I'm rambling and being very vague again. Moving on!

I'm gonna be doing some deep reflecting tonight XD. I do feel a difference within myself, like.. this feeling I've entered a new plane of consciousness. I promised myself I'd try to be more feminine when I turned 16, and yeah, mission accomplished. I was a real tom boy before. What should I promise myself this year? Other than the obvious 'be more determined, more focused' etc.? I promise myself to be more positive this year! This is more of a challenge (more of an impossible task) than a promise. But a promise is a promise, and if you've known me for a while, you'll know I mean what I say. Oh and also to be completely unpretentious. That's all.

Some people don't believe I'm turning 17 tomorrow, almost everyone thought I was 14 going on 15 or something, haha, which is kind of a big fall from my actual age, lmao, but I'll take this as a compliment XD, oh I love my asian genes. My dad is 49 and he is always mistaken for someone in their mid 30's, I'm not kidding. Guess I got it from him.

A few have asked me to verify that I am infact turning 17, so they've all asked me to bring my passport tomorrow. Just gonna bring my ID.

I went to the doctor's today. 2 days ago I started noticing this itch developing on my right shoulder, and blamed my room's questionable spotlessness, so I cleaned my room, vacuumed, changed the sheets, and instead of the rash lessening, it only spread to my other shoulder and little down my back (no it doesn't look grotesque, it's actually not very visible, but oh boy, can I feel the itch!), so I thought it was some incessant bug in my room, but nope. I got checked today, at first the doctor said it might be a second case of chicken pox, which is an extremely rare occurence, and "I WAS LIKE FUCKKKK NOOOO THIS CANNOT HAPPEN! A DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY D:", but he wasn't sure, so I got transferred to derm, and he said it's some sorta allergy, or viral infection I got from somewhere. This better subside by Friday. I GOT PLANS!

Oh look.. it's 12:09AM.. huh..

Anyways, gonna get some homework done before I crash in bed.

Goodnight everyone :)

I pressed it too.

2010-10-30T13:18:00.000+04:00

Sick sick sick. Haven't eaten or slept properly in days. God what is going on with me, it's not that I'm neglecting my health on purpose, but I just have alot of things on my mind.

Last night I went to bed at 12AM, and I just lay there.. thinking.. and listening to music for hours.. I finally dozed off at 4AM, and woke up wide awake at 6AM.

Then my nose started to get runny, and I started feeling like a sack of potatoes.

I am so sorry that I haven't been posting. Don't feel like it. Few updates:

Got my brother's guitar fixed, and I started learning guitar yesterday. Alot of hard work sigh*
Long ass week. Been going out alot. I don't know how much I spent on taxi. Thursday was the secks.
Friday was also duh secks! X]
It's my birthday in 4 days. Holy shit.

WASTED FUCKING YOUTH

2010-10-18T19:47:00.000+04:00

This is the part I would usually whine about my inconsistent writing and how much of a failure I am (in many things), it's so easy to put yourself down, no?

Remember that post I did many many months ago about my wasted talent gathering dust in the corner? Well right now there's a mammoth pile of filth in that corner, and I'm getting lazier day by day to clean it up. I tried practicing my dance yesterday and only learnt the first five seconds of the routine, before my bottom gravitated back to my computer chair, where I camwhored and chatted for the next two hours. NOT ENOUGH HOURS IN A DAY DAMN IT!

You know what? tomorrow, I am purposely going to switch off the internet, and for once in my life do the walk and not just talk the talk!

=_= I'm setting my pride aside and actually admitting that.

So where have I been, what have I been doing?

Well, school's been keeping me pretty occupied, by that I don't mean studies. Just... argh..when I come home I'm usually just so tired and unhappy, that I'd just wanna relax and not think! Because, writing a post would require me to think alot, and lately my English lessons haven't been pleasant, I've actually begun to dread English period, so when I come home, no, I don't want to write anymore, I feel disappointed in myself that just because on this one English period I let myself down and wrote a shit Argumentative Essay, I lost my passion to write and lost that desire to become a writer, all because of one period where I questioned my abilities. But isn't that the point WORKING to become a great writer? to be challenged? to improve? Well I know it is, but the indolent side of me always seems to prevail. I found out the hard way that my writing skills are far inferior to the others in my English Top Set Class, I felt so ashamed, like I didn't belong in that set. I'm good with writing emotions, and describing. But when it comes to on-the-spot essay about [topic], I write shit!

It was like a rude awakening that I've been taking it easy, how can I dream of becoming a writer when I'm so rusty! I need to read, and start practicing my writing! It was humiliating to have been exposed as a weak writer in the fucking English Top Set, where they run and you they don't stop for you to keep up. When the lesson starts the aggression in the air thickens and you are pressured to prove your worthiness to be in that class.

As you can see this bothers alot.

I have an Argumentative English essay waiting for me, but I'm just so... SCARED to attempt it. God, why am I such a pussy? I have so much pride that I can't even let myself fail to be the best in my English class? A FUCKIN CLASS?

This english thing is driving me insane, I'll be back to write a PROPER update.

Ja Ne!

I bust the windows of your car

2010-10-09T23:02:00.000+04:00

Sleepy sleepy almost forgot to post battery down to 10% omg glee music glee obsessed check twitter and tumblr goodnight

Can anybody... ?

2010-10-02T11:13:00.002+04:00

HOW TO STOP CARING

2010-10-02T11:03:00.000+04:00

I'm going to speak candidly right now.

I'm so tired of being upset all the fucking time when I read/see something (about someone) I don't like, I care so much that it starts to hurt. alot. and it hurts so much it ruins my day, I can't do my homework, I can't get out of bed, I can't do anything, I don't even wanna go to school or show my face because I'm tired of people seeing me this way and asking what's wrong and I can't tell them because to them it's stupid. Maybe it is stupid, maybe I'm just PMS-ing, but it bothers me this much. I don't want people to see me in any other way, other than the happy, funny, hyper me. If I'm depressed like this, I'd rather not be seen at all.

Reason I'm acting like this. Everytime I go on facebook, I see him having fun with the people I don't like, with the people who I feel take him away from me, people who I know are bad people and he just has no idea, I see things that hurt me, like why the fuck... arghh, I can't even talk properly! GEEZ. you're liking all her fucking status's and not a single status of mine anymore, I'm mad cuz our friendship is DEAD. and you don't even notice. I'm mad cuz it hurts only because I care, when I SHOULDN'T arghh. you got new friends so yeah. whatever.

Do I still have feelings for this person? I'm gonna leave this question unanswered.
and no I don't care that I'm writing this online, and if he might see it, because he WON'T see it. Because he doesn't even read this blog anymore :)

Oh and what the fuck, the people I need the most are almost never there.

You make me go crazy and you don't even know.

How to stop caring?
GET ANGRY. AND STAY AWAY FROM FACEBOOK OR WHATEVER, DON'T LOOK AT WHAT WILL MAKE YOU UPSET.

I am probably overreacting and will regret writing this post 20mins after I've published it.
But this needs to be said.

I'm hungry. Gonna eat pizza and watch the whole season 1 of Glee. Yeah.. this is how I deal with it. I know there's better ways, like going to the gym, using this for some creative input, or finishing all my god damn homework. But I am just too pained to try.

Bibimbap!

2010-09-25T23:53:00.001+04:00

OMG! I almost forgot to post! and it's Saturday! and it's 11:43PM D:

Getting ready for school right now, packed my bag and I'm just cleaning up my room. Updated my tumblr, and I think you'll enjoy my 'description' XD.

Anyways, had an okay week, most memorable moments were:

Korean dinner with brothers. It's been a while since we hung out just the 3 of us siblings :). I love Bulgogi and Bibimbap!
Reunited with my AKNS friends! what a night :D!
Bought the purse I've been eyeing in Forever21, and also bought these cool shades. Omg listen to me... I'm talking about purses XD, haha.
Bad news, might move back to Sharjah... but it's confirmed that I am moving out of this building. I'm devastated, but after some time of thinking. I know I have to accept it. Hey? It could be worse you know. I think I'd lose it if my parents told me we're moving to a different country.
Catechism isn't that bad. I can cope with it.

Kay, I'm sleepy. and it's 10 minutes to midnight.

Goodnight everyone! New layout soon ;D

Don't forget to drop by my tumblr ^-^

I'm not gonna stay and watch you go down

2010-09-18T20:20:00.002+04:00

Sick, don't feel like posting.

But it's Saturday, and as mentioned in my last post; I have to post.

I did something horrible yesterday.
It was my first day of Catechism, I woke up at 7:00am and got ready. Reached Church by 8:40am. Didn't feel nervous, just looked forward to getting it over with. So I got in, and just in time; before we were put into lines and led to our classes, that's when, to my horror, I realized my classmates were much younger than I was; as in I got into the line and I was a head taller. I couldn't believe that they were that young. I mean I expected them to be younger, since I am late for receiving 'confirmation', but I didn't think I was going to be chucked in with babies!

Sigh* I confess that one of the things that I thought would compensate for the early Friday mornings, and the trouble of Catechism; was getting to meet new people (my age).
And I will shamefully say, also to 'hopefully' meet 'someone' new. I know right. "Dear God Lyka, You're coming for the Lord, and you're thinking about finding a potential new date?"; is what you're thinking, well it's also what my sane conscience told me. Karma was definitely gonna get me for this. And ofcourse, Karma didn't fail to deliver.

We entered the class, and I triple checked the list on the door if my name was really there, because FUCKING HELL I WAS PRAYING IT WASN'T. I took a seat at the front row on the right hand side, and immediately went to my 'don't look at me, don't talk to me' position; hands clasped together up to my face and stared daggers at the wall. Infront of me was this small table, with a bible and crucifix, I looked at it feeling empty and indifferent. I started feeling sleepy at this time, because the night before I caught a cold and was out with my friends, and barely got any sleep.

A girl asked if she could sit beside me, and I gave a nice smile and said sure. I think she was trying to talk to me, but oh my god... I didn't feel like socializing with some pure, innocent little girl who was probably 3 years younger than me. I kept wondering what the other classes were doing, the classes with people my age, the classes with the good-looking fellas *cough* =_=. I just kept my gaze straight and she did the same.

My teacher was very nice, he was a bit strange though, asking us to call him by his first name, to be 'free' in class. He was basically giving us the green light to act however the hell we wanted. He started talking about the journey of confirmation and asked us how many sacraments we received, I had no idea what sacraments were. But apparently I've only done 2. My classmates were so GOODY GOODY, I was in a class with 8 children, who were so proper, so innocent, so untainted; they would probably cry if they heard or saw something dirty. I was like 'I NEED TO GET OUTTA HERE'. I don't know why but everything the teacher was telling us, was just going through one ear and out the other, I wasn't making an effort to hide that I didn't wanna be there. I really didn't care. I don't know if it was because I was PMS-ing or the lack of sleep. But I was sitting there indifferent and with one eyebrow slightly raised.

The hour went by so slowly. In that time he explained what we would be doing this term, and they were leading morning prayers in the class, homework, reading in Church, collecting money in mass and what not. I was not looking forward to any task that involved being seen with my kid classmates. When he finished he asked us to make a line to walk to mass, one of the girls raised her hand and said she wouldn't be joining. An idea hit me; "ESCAPE D:!", so I took the chance, and went up to the sir, or should I say "Trevor", and told him I wouldn't be joining them aswell. He was kind and didn't give me any trouble, and said that next time I should join, I said okay and apologized. I also asked if I could be switched to another class with people my age, but he said it wasn't possible. AIGOOOOOOOO =o= I LIED IN CHURCH TO GET OUT OF CHURCH! Someone slap me.

So I left the building, and walked as fast as I could to the gate, called my dad and told him I was done. I was eating my McMuffin in the car when I was thinking...
I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO CONTINUE WITH CATECHISM. I REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT BEING CONFIRMED. I JUST DON'T WANNA BE THERE! I'm not that religious anymore, and yesterday, I felt I lost the faith. My brain was just being too logical about everything. I felt I was being fed stories, and that I am too old to be told what to believe in. It makes me cringe inside to say all of this because it's awful! I told my dad, and he said he feels the same. About losing faith, and told me I don't need to do this confirmation thing. But my mom... she's so religious... I was raised to be religious. There's no option to any obligation! If I told her I don't want to do it, she would be so angry. And sigh* I don't know... I wasn't worried about my mortality. Because apparently to get to heaven I'd have to be confirmed...

You know what... It's every Friday until May (I know I know, such a long time), from 9:00AM to 11:30AM... I can do this. I need to just suck it up! Deal with it! In the long run, I will be so glad that I got confirmed. Mark mentioned lots of gifts after confirmation too XD. I guess I do need to go to Catechism... My faith is shaking and I don't really have a relationship with God anymore. I feel so disconnected. At one point in my life I was so religious. And now I don't know. Yesterday I felt alone, and wondered, who do I pray to? who do I turn to? 'TheAmazingAtheists' argument about there being a God was resounding in my head. I remember a few months ago thinking about people who had no religion, I thought "wow, some of them must wander this earth.. lacking purpose in their lives", now I just don't know what I believe in anymore, it's a long story...

I'm seeing this Catechism thing through.. sigh* I don't have a choice. Lord Beer Me Strength.

On a lighter note:

I'm trying to stay sick atleast till tomorrow, I have PE and I don't wanna swim.
Been thinking about Valentine's Day, and the things that happened this time last year which changed my life - literally turned my world upside down.
Spent the night updating my music library, that's right, 1085 songs organized.
I need to improve my drawing, and writing. Because I suck.

*cough*

ClosetSixteen's 2nd birthday is approaching! :D Thank you to all my readers! <3

FIRST VLOG!

2010-09-13T04:03:00.000+04:00

Here it is!! the one I've been promising for a over a year XD

2010-09-11T02:22:00.000+04:00

Eid Mubarak

2010-09-11T02:17:00.000+04:00

*hangs head in shame*

I'm so sleepy right now.. But I had to post, I feel like I've abandoned my precious blog.
Maybe I should have a set-date for posting on my blog. Let's make it a Saturday?

Today, I went to DM and hung out with my two good friends; Carlos and Tariq. We fangirl'd at Japanese people in Kinokuniya, fantasized making it our permanent home, and read a Pokemon book from start to finish.

Pad thai :3

Bromance.

Dora

Oh umm.. that..

Then we went to a toy store and messed around.
I have never seen DM so full, it was so crowded I started feeling dizzy.
So tired...

This weekend I got my eyes checked and my glasses upgraded. My eyesight is still terrible, and went my grade went a tiny notch up higher. I love my glasses, as unfortunate as it is, that a pair of plastic hanging on my face; improves my appearance, it just does. I think it completes my look. People who wear glasses, particularly people who wear thick, dark frames, are usually seen as sincere, intelligent and serious. Ohoho'n

What else? Oh yes, Atlantis. It was great. Spent some quality time with my family :)
I was afraid of going to 'Aquaventure' and getting prolonged sun exposure, because school was the day after, and I didn't wanna lose the fairness I've been working to regain! I tan very easily you see. Fortunately, I slathered on enough sunscreen to prevent this from happening.

School has started, and things on the first days back did not go as I expected. And in a way, I expected.. to.. find it unexpected? lmao. There's now this very hostile aura floating around, and I do not like it at all. I'm getting really bad vibes about certain people, groups. I wish things were how they used to be. Last year may have had alot of heartache, but I had a blast. I blame this hostile aura, on the new kids, who somehow have brought this 'attitude', and the higher grades who have also begun to have this 'attitude'. Argh, there's all this elementary school drama shit going on behind my back and it makes me very angry. I don't wanna go into it, but let me just say this:

People don't hate you, unless you give them a reason to.
Do not be with people who always talk about drama, and negativity, they may sound like they're helping you, but they're not. They're just going to ruin you. Stay away from these people. Don't even give a chance to letting them get to you. Just walk away.

I would've beat up the girl who called me a bitch behind my back. But that's no way to start off a new school year in the right direction. So yeah.. Gonna let this slip. And FYI, as any sensible person in my school if I'm anything like a bitch, and the answer you will get is 'no'.

*ehem* so anyways, I'd love to babble on more topics, but I'm too tired and greatly needing some shut eye.
Goodnight :)

I don't like happy people.

2010-09-02T21:27:00.000+04:00

Dear blog,

I've neglected you too much, haven't I? :(

Why haven't I been posting? In all honesty, I've just been really lazy. And quite often in a bad mood. I just wanna do nothing, except think, listen to music, and wallow in my room.

I did get some things done today, I enrolled for my new academic year, bought my books, and I'm so relieved to get this out of the way, my mom was having difficulty acquiring enough money in time, I was 'this' close to being home schooled or something. Thank God. I prayed so hard on Sunday that that wouldn't happen. Alhamdulillah! XD

Got my grades aswell, and it didn't put a smile on my mom's face. After that big issue on being unable to pay for my school fees, I'm done fucking around. The next time my mom sees my report card, I better put a smile on her face.

This summer, I was missing school, and couldn't wait to get back to it, but now I am dreading it. I'm feeling a mix of anxiousness and excitement. My stamina to be socially active isn't as strong as it was last year when I was new, when I'd always be smiling, and very outgoing. I'm so worn out. Uninterested.

I sound like a washed up whale. To be precise; I feel like one.

Hopes for this school year:

Meet cool new people, and improve my relationship with everyone.
No competition. By that I mean, not another hot asian chick with long straight hair :).
Find a potential new boyfriend? haha
Not chicken out, and take part in as many things as I can.

Things I'm not looking forward to:

Unpleasant people.
Seeing a friend I have feelings for date someone else. Yeah. That's gonna hurt.
Bad hair days.
Getting scolded for not tying my hair, uniform and make up.
Getting tanned by too much sun exposure. I worked to regain my fairness this summer okay? And I'm planning to keep it.

My best friend Nagi got into CIS aswell, hehe, I'm ecstatic! Can't wait to see this lora XD!

Anyways, must hurry to get changed now, going for dinner at Noodle Bowl.

Ja!

I'm Not Dead

2010-09-01T02:56:00.003+04:00

New posts coming soon! I'm so sorry you guys :(

True Colors

2010-08-25T14:50:00.001+04:00

What I've Been Up To

2010-08-19T03:49:00.000+04:00

"I don't know what to do with you anymore."

I'm so addicted to Tumblr now. I've been reblogging non-stop, since yesterday. Tumblr is awesome. I've had Tumblr for as long as I've been blogging, but I never focused on it till now, and boy, am I making up for it!

Check out my revamped Tumblr [^-^]!

As you can see, I frequently update.

Day before yesterday, I was in such a rut, I HAD to get outta the house. So I went walking, and walked all the way to the beach, there's a nice pathway for walkers right in the middle, it's really peaceful :), and thank goodness there was a good breeze. It wasn't that hot, just a bit humid (as usual). I got some really good exercise :D.

Feeling good about getting something done!; the next day I 'miraculously' woke up at 6:11AM, and was wide awake. I had a proper breakfast, which I forgot what felt like, because I've been waking up past 3PM every single day. Watched a little T.V, and coincidentally, a documentary on 'Che Guavera' was on. Just the day before, I was reading about him on the Wikipedia. I've always wanted to knw the story behind that famous face. Anyways, at 7:10AM, I threw on my gym clothes, tied my hair and went down to the gym. Thankfully, it was unoccupied :). I really don't like using the gym with other people. Because they cramp the treadmills together, and the 'feng shui' of how things are designated are SO OFF (lmao). And people are territorial creatures, we all have different measures for personal space. So yes, I find it uncomfortable.

Got a good 30mins of workout. I didn't wanna push myself too much. Plus, I wouldn't wanna collapse later during the day =_=.. so yeah...

I was loving this healthy glow I had afterwards :D.

Went to DCC later, and did a little shopping, bought another skirt and a light cardigan, can't wait to wear them X].

Today...; well.. technically since it's 3:33AM now.. YESTERDAY, my friends came over, played some PS3, and petted the cute black cat downstairs.

Mark's 24th birthday is coming soon :). 3rd September infact. And he's planning this Mexican themed party at his friend's apartment (uh. no family ofcourse), to be held at the end of this month. He's asked me for some help here and there, like photoshopping a sombrero and mustache on one of his pictures, to advertise the theme, and I did a damn good job! He looked like he was really wearing a sombrero XD. The mustache looked decent. And my other task is to make a pop/dance playlist, he wants 300 songs, which is a ridiculous number of songs, but I'll try my best. We went to the 'Party Warehouse', and ordered a piñata, Mark plans on filling it with random 'adult' goodies. LMAO. On the actual day of his birthday, we're gonna spend two nights in Atlantis, I'm looking forward to it :)! INSHALLAH!

Anyways, bed time now. Early day tomorrow.

Goodnight everyone.

Surprise?

2010-08-13T04:12:00.006+04:00

On Monday, I met up with some friends in DCC, sat in Starbucks and filled each other on what we've missed. Remember that mysterious envelope I was talking about? I'm not sure I blogged about it. But while Radhika was in Kenya, she told me about this envelope some random guy gave her after school ended, and told her to pass it to me, she said it had my name on it, and it looked really suspicious, and was definitely not from school. And that the contents were for my eyes only. I'm a very skeptical person, so ofcourse I was thinking "PFFFT! this is probably just some silly prank", but even though, I couldn't wait to rip that envelope open.

So on Monday, she handed it over...

and.. ummm..

Surprise? XD

Yeah.. turns out Radhika was behind it afterall. I wasn't upset or disappointed, I was [genuinely] pleasantly surprised :)!
It's so thoughtful and sweet! and it made me 'awwww' :3. And the part that she made me curious and added the element of surprise was very clever XD. She's a great friend ♥ .

She was supposed to give this to me on my birthday along with a gift, but apparently it wouldn't fit according to her story XD, so she couldn't wait till November.

Afterwards, we took the metro to MOE (lunch), which was very risky for me; since my mom was going to pick me up 45mins later, and she doesn't allow me to take the metro (WTF), and it takes 30mins from DCC to MOE... so yeah... risky. But, heck! I went anyway. My mom started calling as soon as I finished my hotdog, so we were running back to the station like maniacs. It was hilarious XD, and at the worst time, we got stopped by this young intern from 'Gulf News', who not to mention, had a very nice smile XD (damn their persuasiveness), we thought he was going to ask if he could take one of those 'social' pictures they put at the back of tabloid, but it was just a survey, so we had to say no to the young blue-eyed intern, and went our merry way.

I called my mom while we were waiting for the next train, and fed her a very reasonable and thought-out story, as to why I was in the metro station, and not in DCC. Luckily, she didn't question me and asked me to call her once I reached. I was so relieved I didn't get in trouble. My mom is scary. Not normal scary. Asian mother scary.

When we reached, my mom told me she was at home, and that she was on her way back to DCC for a meeting, so I was like 'Oh great. Rushing back from MOE, scared half to death that I'd get busted and you're not even here.'

Before I left DCC, I looked around Virgin first, and saw the cutest headphones I've ever seen and I couldn't resist buying it. I know I don't sound like me saying that. Since when did I become so girly? It's starting to kick in. Ohyea.

I know right? Hello Kitty? Me? LMAO.

Sound quality's great though. Only problem is, that thing squeezes my head so tight; I don't think enough blood rushes back to my brain.

My mom wasn't done with her meeting, so Radhika and I went window shopping, and I tried on heels for the first time since I was 7 XD. HAHA! It's fun to be a girl! HOTDAMNIT! I've been missing out for years! Why do I fight it?
We took a picture of us in heels, my best friend Hawa saw it, and she used the word 'pansy', LMAO.

I had a satisfied smile on my face that day, It was a good day!
Made new friends, ran into some friends, and just had a really fun time :D .

Wow, it's 3:45AM. I better wrap up this post asap.

A friend slept over yesterday, and nothing much happened today...
Today was very mundane. Basically I ate, used the computer, and ate some more.
Horrible.

Finished reading 'The Definitive Book of Body Language', and it was GREAT. I highly recommend it. Still haven't finished 'This Book Will Change Your Life', I regret purchasing this actually, because every page is nonsense. It was funny at first then it just got stupid.

Oh and a friend bought me the DOGS Vol.1 manga. The artwork is amazing.

So yeah, that's about it for now guys, I am beat. It's 3:54AM now, and I'm wondering why I always feel like posting at such a late hour. I end up rushing to get in bed before the sun rises.

Alot more happened this week... like finding out my old friend; was one of the girls who were in the 'mysterious Mirdiff blast' that occured 2 months ago. Shocking, I know. :\

BWAHHH, can't wait for school. You know shit's gonna go down this year, and I am strangely looking forward to that.

I'm a wreck

2010-08-10T23:14:00.000+04:00

I've had a good week so far, but today I feel a bit off (for reasons I'd rather not say). I wanna update on what happened before I forget SOO BAD, but I don't have my camera right now, and I need to show you guys some stuff :). Grrr... I don't like not being able to talk about something! Aigoo..can't do anything about it..

When I'm agitated, I get frustrated with little things easily. I need to control my anger. Learn how to clear my mind... Deep breathes...

Today was a bad day, things are going downhill. Thing's that shouldn't bother me; are.

I'm trying to dig into my subconscious and understand why I'm feeling so down in the dumps.

The reason why I feel so low, is because, lately I've been revisiting the past, and reliving the pain of heartbreak all over again, I feel like all my progress and hard work has gone to waste, and I don't wanna go back to all that, I don't want to go BACK... I don't wanna CARE ANYMORE. Why did I start caring again? All because of some false hopes I kept imagining in my brain? Me wanting what I can't have again?
I moved on from a very painful and difficult situation, and I worked really hard to achieve that, I was proud of myself for letting go (100%) and finding peace. But you know what, I'll find peace again... this is just a temporary setback... if I've done it before I can do it again.

I've been keeping this inside for weeks now, because I learnt that talking about something that SHOULD BE NOTHING, will turn into something (and we can't have that!). So I kept my mouth shut... buried it... dismissed the idea... didn't wanna say a peep to anyone or even write about.
Surprisingly, writing about it, made me feel alot better and closer to recovering again. Writing really does wonders :)

Ramadan is tomorrow. Time to be on my best behaviour.

I want to be unpretentious.

2010-08-07T04:22:00.000+04:00

Are you pretentious?

I think I've always been somewhat pretentious, up until the point I became aware of it. I hope that one day I will come across as completely unpretentious, and be proud.

Art has been a part of who I am since I was little. I know every kid was fond of coloring books, and scribbling on anything you can write on. But I really felt a passion for it ever since I was young. I've always has a natural talent at drawing, and being able to sense the balance to make a perfect picture. I've always been handy with arts & crafts and such. Always praised in art class...

I'm not boasting that I'm some great prodigy artist (though I wish to be), I'm just confident enough to say that I am good at t-... okay I'm not gonna be apologetic. I keep forgetting that I need to stop apologizing for everything I say that might make me look bad. I'm trying to be more 'outspoken' nowadays remember? ANYWAYS!

When I was a kid, I used to draw mountains, houses and forest's near the shore. I'd draw it all the time, and show it to my parent's, my dad would always praise me, and my mother would just smile. I remember I went to my mom's office, and she had her usual concentrated-no-nonsense face buried in paperwork. I slapped my latest mountain drawing on her desk and wore a smug face, expecting to hear praise like my dad's. But instead she said "It's good. But you can do better". After that I stopped drawing mountains and drew something else for once. I don't know why this memory was ingrained into my brain. It was an insignificant incident that doesn't exactly 'warm' your heart. But whenever I do something, I always remember her saying that; "It's good. But you can do better". So now I always think how I can push something to be better, to be the best it CAN be.

I can't believe I used to hate my mother. It's true what they say, that when you get older "you'll understand". Now I do. All mothers deserve an award (or something), cuz for the first 15-16 years of their child's life; is them NOT understanding the things you do to protect them. 15-16 years of their kid, hating on them, and misunderstanding their actions as an act against them. But I guess you can't blame them for not fully understanding, people's brains don't fully develop until the age of 15. So yeah, we didn't exactly have a sharpened sense of reason. My mom wasn't as gentle as other mother's as I recall, but wow, my relationship with my parent's has changed so much. I can't wait till I get a new boyfriend XD. Since I'm comfortable enough to bring them home and introduce them.

MOVINGGG ON!!! Before I lose where I was going with this post!

THERE'S SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO AND TO IMPROVE ON! AND I HAVE SO MUCH FUCKING TIME! AND I CAN TALK ALL MOTIVATIONAL AND SHIT FOR HOURS AND STILL GET NOWHERE, I NEED TO WALK THE WALK AND NOT JUST TALK THE TALK! If only I had a pushy assistant at my side to get my ass up, but I don't! GRRR!

I CAN be a better artist.
I CAN get in shape this summer.
I CAN take guitar and voice lessons.
I CAN go with Roshna for self defense classes.

GADDD! *splews on keyboard*

T^T ...

Update:

Helped my friend make a website for this Nigerian R&B singer.
Sleeping pattern's fucked up. Had a case of insomnia for 4 days, and then finally got some proper sleep last night and regained my normal sleeping pattern, but now it is almost 4AM, and I am still posting, so guess it's fucked again.
I love curly hair, and I enjoy being girly now. LOL.
Been eating alot.
GREY'S ANATOMY SEASON 6 FINALE WAS THE SHITTT!!! I never gasped so much out of pure shock watching a show. ever. Can't wait for September 23!!!
Dad bought a mini laptop for himself and gave me this one! /trolol :D
There's more but I forgot now .__.

I have lot's of article ideas for my new blog [sinister]kitty, but I'm still working on the site. [sinister]kitty will serve as my online portfolio (I guess you can say that) of articles and such, so no personal business whatsoever, just good ol' journalism :) . Reason I made it was cuz I asked for an internship, and Mark said there an opening at EMI Music (ZOMFG!!!), and that they were looking for 'creative writers, who are fluent in Arabic and English', the requirement for fluent Arabic immediately made me unqualified. And made me question; "Am I creative enough to stand out?". Is my writing good enough? And once again my mother's words come to mind. And the answer to my question is no. I'm not good enough yet. So [sinister]kitty will be my place to improve :D

Anyways, new layout and posts soon :)

Thank you to all my readers again ^-^, C16 is nearing it's second birthday, lmao. ♥

Sleep Deprived.

2010-08-05T03:01:00.001+04:00

I wanted to make a decent update tonight; but it is 2:58AM, and I am sleep deprived. Must get some sleep tonight.

We fall inlove. We fall out of love.

2010-07-30T00:20:00.003+04:00

I can't sleep, let's run away and don't ever look back.

2010-07-28T21:36:00.000+04:00

"Imma get your heart racing in my skin tight jeans, be your teenage dream tonight..."

I woke up this morning feeling like it wasn't a new a day. God I hate routines. I don't wanna waste another day. Didn't I have a plan for this summer? exercise? dance? guitar? art? redecorate? meh! I am just stuck in a rut because I am lazy, and I'm never in the mood for anything. At the end of the day I'm even more frustrated with myself cuz I didn't do anything productive! Well the day isn't over people. I'm gonna be as productive as I can before 4am.

So I'm sitting here, with my legs swung over the table, and my overheating laptop on my thighs. And I'm thinking about the other people out there who are my age who have achieved so much, and whenever I see them I always say to myself 'I can do that.. I can be that..', but I always regarded those other kids as being luckier than the rest, which infact, isn't true. Those people worked hard to get to where they are, they're achievements, and I envy the drive and passion they all had. Which I'm greatly lacking because I have little confidence in my ability sometimes. You need to fail alot before you can really succeed right? Well that's the thing... I'm such a bum I don't wanna fail. And I knowwww you are allll tired of me going on and on about the same shit. So am I .. SO AM I.

You know how those items in stores are always borderline full price? Like a can of pineapples for 5.99dhs. I never got why they did that... Couldn't they have just made it 6dhs? But I'm so cheap, I'm the type of person that would still go for the 5.99dhs one. It's probably some selling tactic they do. Whatever's cheaper! ;D
LMAO. I kid. Reason this topic came into mind is because of my ~~cheap~~ best friend Nagi..NAJSTER! XDD

Man, I'm hungry for some burgers and fries right now .__. *pats rumbling tummy*

Awww :)

2010-07-28T17:14:00.000+04:00

Nightly episodes?

2010-07-21T03:12:00.001+04:00

Researching on dream interpretation, because for the last 2 months, I have been having recurring dreams on the same fucking person. Every night. Every night.
At first, I didn't mind it, I woke in the morning and didn't think about. But the more it progressed, the more I couldn't deny; that these dreams are trying to tell me something. It's screaming loud and clear, but I don't wanna believe it.

I drift to sleep normally, and I begin dreaming, it's always a different setting, a different place, and a different occasion in the dream, for example, last night I dreamt it was an outdoor, sort-of PTM celebration...in a park. But it's always centered around the same person... I would always see this person, and he would always be with me... Whenever I'm with him (in my dream), I'd always have these strong emotions... like I'm infatuated with him ._.

Sigh* It's been happening too often, and getting more and more real. After I wake up, it takes me 2 minutes to realize it didn't actually happen.

Taskin says (2:23 AM):
hmmmm sum psychologist say dat u have a feeling for dat person dat u can't suppress
Taskin says (2:23 AM):
strong feelings
[ _MadeWith!Madness ] says (2:24 AM):
FUCK thats what i was afraid to hear.
Taskin says (2:26 AM):
if da person u alwasy dream about is in da bak of ur mind, but u r unaware of it den it shows in ur dreams
[ _MadeWith!Madness ] says (2:26 AM):
yeah

Looked up dream interpretation online and this is what I got:

Recurring Dream
To have recurring dreams, indicate unresolved issues, unhealthy behavior patterns, or unexpressed emotions in your waking life.

For a woman to dream of a bachelor, denotes forbidden love and loss of purity and innocence

To dream of an old or former lover, signifies unfinished/unresolved issues related to that specific relationship. Your current relationship may be awakening some of those same issues.

To dream of a kiss, denotes love, affection, tranquility, harmony, and contentment. If the dream ends just about you are about to kiss someone, indicates that you are unsure of how he or she really feels about you. You are looking for some sort of relationship with this person but you are not sure about how to go about achieving it. If you are kissing a close friend, then it represents your respect and adoration for your friend. You are seeking some intimate closeness that is lacking in some waking relationship. It may or may not signify a romantic interest for him or her.

To dream of love of being in love, suggests intense feelings carried over from a waking relationship. It implies happiness and contentment with what you have and where you are in life. On the other hand, you may not be getting enough love in your daily life. We naturally long for the sense to belong and to be accepted.

Not liking this at all.

Kind of embarrassing to publicly say all this.
Since I have so much pride +_=.. but who gives a fuck.

Can you pick up some ice while you're out?

2010-07-21T01:44:00.001+04:00

You only see what your eyes want to see.

2010-07-21T01:33:00.002+04:00

This has been an eventful week so far :)

Did a little shopping on Sunday, bought a cute skirt, and a blouse XD haha. I'm really making an effort to change up my style and dress more feminine. I'm turning 17 (seeing seventeen typed out infront of me freaked me out a little...17..wow I'm getting older... am I mature enough? I'll contemplate on that later =_+) this November, and I can't always be caught wearing skinny jeans and sneakers. Hell no. This is the time of age where I'm still identifying my self-image... so yeah...

On Monday, my friend decided to shave his head completely bald! So I went with him to document the whole experience, it was cool :).

He looks alot like Aang now, doesn't he?

Afterwards I went home and my two old friends came over, who I haven't seen in a VERY LONG TIME. I've been friends with them for 8 years now (and still going strong!). We had alot of fun just reminiscing about the good old days, and we got a chance to update each other what's been going on, what's happening and what we missed on in the last 10 months we didn't meet.

I even whipped out my old journals from grade 5-7, and read them out XD
We all had a good laugh listening to the grade-5-me bitch about the stupidest things, and remembering all the shit we've been through together, and how incredibly immature we all were. Makes me wonder how I'll think of myself now in 5 years time. lmao. I applaud little elementary school Lyka, for recording those happenings in such detail XD, I had no problem recalling those moments I read. And they were really funny XD. I'm surprised my English skills were actually very decent at that age, writing really must be my calling .__. ... but you never know.. where the wind blows ~
:)

My friends were stunned at how evil my thoughts were at that time XD. Because up till that moment, they believed elementary school Lyka was an angel. lmao.
I'm not saying I was a 10 year old conspiring to commit a crime, or kill one of my classmates. But I said some pretty harsh things and, it was funny to read now, because for a 10 year old; I was a shrewd mastermind. Haha, I wanted to high five little me for being such a cunning ringleader XD. Okay I know I sound incredibly self absorbed, but EH!!!

Anyways, today was very relaxed, friend came over, finished a tub of ice cream and talked about silly shit.

Ja for now.

More than sad.

2010-07-16T23:44:00.001+04:00

Last night, I had a very embarrassing moment of insanity.

I've been acting strangely for a couple of weeks now. Social withdrawal, haven't been sleeping or eating properly, feeling of emptiness, unexplained mood swings and the like. And yes, I am sure it's not PMS.

That night I was researching paranormal stories and demonology (I've always had an interest in it). I was greatly intrigued, and spooked at the same time XD. After I finished reading, I went online and started talking to my best friend about random shit. Telling him about my shrunken carpet and the pregnant lady smoking. I was in a good mood. And all of a sudden... like a light switch flicked; my mood just died. I felt empty, emotionless, confused, and I had shallow breathes. I can't explain it clear enough in words. I couldn't figure it out!!!

Something was seriously wrong, and even my friend could sense it. I began to worry and yes I was freaking out. Like what the fuck is going on??? How do I snap outta this??? My mind is stronger than this D: .
I went offline and lied down for a bit. Then I searched up depression and how to deal with it, I had all the symptoms of depression, I felt frustrated and a little scared. I don't wanna suffer depression! That kinda shit ruins people's lives! I looked at the mirror and I couldn't recognize myself. I had a crazy thought; "maybe a negative entity is messing with me o.o", making me regret reading all that paranormal business. I clung to my senses as hard as I could. Was I at the borderline of insanity?

I went back online and told my friend all about it. He helped me out alot, though I felt really stupid talking about it, because this all sounds like a pile of bullshit. But the feeling was real. I even messaged Radhika all the way in Kenya about it.

That night I didn't get a blink of sleep...

I eventually dozed off for a few hours in the morning. I woke up at 1:55pm and recounted what happened the night before. And I felt SOOOO stupid, I was mortified!!! I regret dumping my melodramatic, emotional crap to my friend! I was SOOOO not myself that night. GRRRR. How do you take back all that nonsense and not make your friend think you're crazy.

Radhika's reply to my message started with a LOL-ing "U SILLY XD!" and "RELAX".
I wish I had done that before telling people I believed I was clinically depressed.

I spoke to my brother Mark about it, and he says he's going through the exact same thing, and that he doesn't know what to do either. He said he's sure it'll pass. Nice to know I'm not alone in this.

Sigh*

I need to get a grip.

Everyone feels better after a good shit.

2010-07-16T02:12:00.004+04:00

The sudden urge to write again finally hit me. and I decided I better hurry to my blog before the feeling fades. I think I've been fearing to write. As usual I have no idea why, because until now I don't fully understand myself. I can self-analyze day and night but I'll still be in the same spot.

Okay I'm not making any sense, I'm just allowing myself to babble because it has been so long since I posted a REAL post, and someone gave me a nice shove the other day to start writing again, because my blog was apparently "beyond dead". I thank this person, cuz I'm back people!

Today I went to Mirdiff City Center, I was supposed to go to MOE and meet my friends, but my brother wanted to go furniture shopping, and as usual he got his way. We ate at P.F Chang's, and ordered a ton of food we couldn't finish. The whole time I was texting my boo (my best friend); Peanut, because she was flying back to Brunei tonight. When she left I felt a little alone. Most of my best friends are out of the country on holiday, and I'm dying to get outta here! I wanna see something new, visit beautiful places and just RELAX. Get away. I realize this is another change in myself, because last year I absolutely hated traveling. Dreaded it. I used to say I'd rather stay in Dubai. Brown, hot, dry Dubai.

When we were on our way back to the parking lot, we saw a pregnant lady outside, taking a deep puff on her cigarette. At first I thought she was just a fat lady with an unattractive belly protruding from her tight pants. But nope. She was pregnant. Made me feel sorry for the unborn kid in her stomach, who (god forbid) might end up being born with some abnormality. Tsk tsk.

I feel like I've been running away from many things these past few months. Running away from what exactly you ask? Well... friends... promises... commitments...
Because argh... I need to step back and breath... and think about ME.
Sounds selfish. But I think not. I'm naturally a loner at heart, and pushing myself into a crowd wears me out easily.

The more I grow, the more self-aware I become, and another thing I've become 'aware' of in myself, I'm ashamed to say; is that I've become a people pleaser. Ugh. It's pathetic. Why do I seek approval from others? To paint this image of myself I want them to see? Well I've wasted enough time and energy on 'making them hear what they wanna hear'. I'm mad at myself for letting myself become this way. Now, I just honestly don't give a fuck. Because... being a people pleaser made me alot of friends, which isn't a bad thing... it's good to have a circle of acquaintances... but this person I introduced, this person I created, the person they see, JUST ISN'T ME. I put on a huge fake smile, and with all the strength I could muster; force myself to be hyper and upbeat. It's so tiring. I gained friends who don't understand who I really am. Sometimes I think... what am I doing? what am I doing here with these people, who I don't even really like???

I think I try to prove to myself that I can be just as fun or as open as the next girl. If not better. Which is a complete waste of time! I've been looking for happiness in all the wrong places! Why else is my life so complicated and fucked up? I get myself into situations that lead me to no good. I know now. I have learned. Most importantly, I finally realized where I do find genuine happiness. Peace of mind.

Enough is enough. I'm doing this right this time. Giving people what they want from you all the time does nothing good for you.

I finished all three books of Avatar: The Last Airbender! *runs around* YAY! AVATAR. IS THEEEE BESTTTT ANIME/SHOW/STORY EVER. It is PERFECT. ABSOLUTELY PERFECTTTT. It beats Naruto and any other fucking show out there! Believe me. I'm gonna name my kid Zuko because of this show!

Avatar: LAB, displayed the beliefs of monks, which is; that all life is sacred. I truly believe that. And I'm going to instill that belief in me. I won't even kill a bug from now on.

So far, I've come up with 3 boy's names that I like. Mike, Damien and Zuko. And I still can't think of one girl name. Strange... Ehh why am I subconsciously compiling baby names??? Oh well...

Anyways! On a less serious note:

I got my carpet back XD (yay), though I think the cleaning made it shrink =__=. PFFT. I hope it stretches out.
I've been listening to The Beatles and Ellie Goulding lately.
My drawing has improved.
I'd do anything for a Nikon. By anything. Girll I mean anythangggg.../twitch
I am flat-out broke.
Bought a new dress.

and one more thing...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY LOVELY BEST

FRIEND RADHIKA!!! ♥

I am always hungry.

2010-07-11T13:37:00.000+04:00

Don't know where to start. The things that have been going on; I can't really talk about. Bear with me.

Been watching Avatar: The Last Airbender, finished Book 1 in 2 days! Loving it already ^-^, it's such a funny and interesting anime. This show woke up the kid in me. Which I think, is just what I needed.

I made myself unreachable since yesterday, didn't take any calls, forced myself to forget about my phone and hid it in my closet. Didn't go online the whole day either. Gonna stay this way until tomorrow too.

Wow. I have major writers block today...

Regular posting shall resume...

2010-07-07T20:38:00.000+04:00

And so I wait...

2010-07-01T14:25:00.002+04:00

Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the person who brings out the best in you and inspires you to be a better person. Wait for the one who will be your best friend, who you can tell anything to, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what. The person who makes you smile and laugh like no one else and when they look at you, you know how much they want you and need you. Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world, even when you are just in sweats and a t-shirt, but appreciates it when you get dressed up for them. And most of all wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe, because that’s where you belong.

Little Lyka

2010-06-24T02:53:00.000+04:00

I'm on a horsy ^-^

Masgusto ko itago na saktan ako :)

2010-06-24T02:48:00.000+04:00

I realized that when I'm extremely angry and sad, I start thinking in Tagalog. It's nice.

Been going through alot of emotional stress lately.

It's painful to write.

FLOP FLOP FLOP!

2010-06-17T15:07:00.001+04:00

This place is so empty, My thoughts are so tempting,

2010-06-16T13:35:00.006+04:00

"I tried to be perfect, but nothing was worth it, I don’t believe it makes me real."

Exams are over, and I couldn't be more relieved. Weirdly, school isn't, it's still until the 30th; but not like anyone's attending. I'm taking this week off and maybe coming for a few days next week. I have to catch up with so many friends, I don't know who's number to dial first.

Last night was my mom's birthday :). We took her to a nice Japanese restaurant called 'KiKu'. Which means tasty apparently X].

Sigh* I had one hell of a night. I thank Peanut's patience again; for listening to me vent for 2 hours straight. And Radhika! my saviour XD! I've been PMSing this whole week. Hate it. But it's over now... or so I think.

I've accepted being single. I actually prefer it. Took me a while to 'reprogram' myself to how I was. I'm happy I'm back :). Now I can't even imagine dating again haha, not that I'd never date again, just saying for now. I can't remember why I was so bent on getting a boyfriend again, the loneliness? yeah... but I kinda forgot how that felt.

Anyways! I finally bought a curling iron! HAHHHH!!! I bought a cheap one (but a not bad one ofcourse!) cuz I wanted test it out, and get used to it first, before buying an expensive professional one (*cough* Babyliss curling wand), which costs like 300dhs including shipping I think? Because who knows? I might've not liked how curls look on me. So I tried it out the night I bought it, and it looked really good! Not bad for a first try at all XD, I did have some problems at first, cuz of that annoying metal clamp. But I got the hang of it quick. I took like, 45 minutes to finish. I was pretty pleased with the results :). I'm gonna curl my hair my again, but I don't feel like I have the guts to walk out of the house with curly hair yet XD. Lmao. Don't know why.

I'm gonna push myself to get back to my songwriting and drawing. It's time I make the most of my free time!

Ja Ne.

PS: thank you to all my readers :) .

You lost me...

2010-06-11T16:50:00.001+04:00

We had magic, and this is tragic.

2010-06-10T13:41:00.000+04:00

I love Christina Aguilera. Beautiful performance :)

Don't say you love me, you don't even know me.

2010-06-07T01:33:00.001+04:00

I want to live an artistic life. I want to see the beauty of things. I want to become a moving piece of art.

Hello again :), it is 1:10AM, and looks like I'm gonna have another all-nighter. Been watching movies lately, watched Shrek 4 (which I'm surprised I enjoyed), The Stepfather, Bride of Chucky (watched online with a friend), and The Return To Haunted House...

Life has come to another standstill, and I'm itching to have a little adventure. At the end of the day my brother always asks "So sis how was your day?", I always reply "OK". How unexciting. ~~I guess~~ Ofcourse it's my fault for not making the most of my 24hours, but really, what can I do with my spare time?

I've been studying since morning, and taking plenty of lengthy breaks inbetween XD. Biology is a tough bitch. Why did I choose this over I.T? I am definitely dropping this subject next year =_=. Biology has no place in my future anyway.

My throat has been killing me since last week, and even though; I still don't take my cough medicine, and continue eating ice cream and sugary food. I make things harder for myself and I don't know why. I need self-discipline. I should practice it this summer. I hope I won't get tonsillitis, cuz my throat feels like it's swollen to 3x it's size.

.........

WAHHHHHH, ok lemme say what's really bothering me! I cannot seem to accept being single. I MUST HAVE SOMEONE TO THINK ABOUT. It's pathetic, but it's true. I don't like anyone right now, nor do I miss anyone. But I just. want. someone. GOD!

*lies defeated*

I need my friends. I need a new look. I need a new boyfriend.

I Try To Hold It All Inside

2010-06-02T19:15:00.001+04:00

Today was my first final exam! quick recap:

SATURDAY

Father knocked on my door, and handed me 100dhs with a smile. Didn't say a word. My reaction? "O.O oh...thank you?..THANK YOU!". At the financial crunch our family is under right now, if I were him, I would've saved it for gas or something XD. Not giving it to my 16 year old daughter. who's probably gonna spend it on eyeliner, and eccentric junk from Virgin. Aigoo. Ofcourse I didn't refuse, or tell him my opinion on parenting/money/finance, he probably has some "lesson to be learned" motif behind this, yes? So I closed the door, and put it straight into my almost full piggy bank :3 .

SUNDAY

Went to church, prayed for my mom, and everyone else who needed it. My most fervent prayer in a long time I believe. Used to pray every night, and till recently lost the habit.
Then, we picked up my bro, went grocery shopping... and that's when I started to feel sick, I was like 'ooo yay, right before my exams, just like I planned', XD lmao! and I was really pushing it. I got myself ice cream from McDonalds, to get my throat all scratchy, haha BAD idea...

When I got home, my dad told me that he just sold the car. I was a bit bummed, but hey, you do what you gotta do right? Then he handed me 1000dhs. A FULL NOTE. Like.. o.o the crisp, freshly printed ones. LMAO.

Me: O.O EHHH!?!? What am I supposed to do with this???
~~Crazy~~ Father: *shrugs shoulders, hands it*
Me: ~~*grabs and jumps out the window into the pool*~~ ... okay... wow that's alotta money.. O.O THANK YOUUU!! I am going to spend this wisely! byebye :D

MONDAY

Sickness gets worse, could barely move. My whole body was aching, I didn't have a cough or a runny nose, just... felt like a dying horse... and I was having those weird hallucinations everytime I slept. And OMG. THE HEADACHES! They were more like severe migraines. I couldn't believe I 'wanted' to get sick, cuz this is not how I remembered being sick felt.

As usual I forgot to have dinner, so at 12:00, I hobbled to the kitchen and found some leftovers. The strange man who gave me the 1000dhs earlier was there too, and said I could have this sausage looking thinggy, so I ate it. Annndd guess whattttt? I got food poisoning!

TUESDAY

Did not go to school, because I was steal reeling from that tiny piece of sausage =___= ~~motherfucker.~~ Plus I was still sick. It was so hard for me to concentrate! Headaches were killing me! That night I only got 3 hours of sleep.

This morning, I was all hyper and my charisma was UP! I was still scared shitless because I barely studied, but I got my 'mojo' back the night before and I was spreadin' the joy... LMAO. I sounded gay just right now didn't I? X] . I looked like such a mess today, tied my hair while it was wet and it looked like a bird's nest, my face looked really.. BROWN??? and had "sick" written all over it.

Managed to do my exams. All I can say is; it could've been better.

2010-06-01T18:58:00.001+04:00

Parents fighting again. can't stand the sound.

WAHHH!

2010-05-28T20:35:00.002+04:00

omgomgomgogm I cannot study. I can't study.

What I want want want watchu want want want XD

2010-05-26T23:17:00.002+04:00

Watched Prince of Persia last week, Jake Gyllenhaal was so HOTTT~ =w=, I think I fangirl'd for a good 2 days after it, the movie wasn't all that amazing, it was good, but GOD, the girl they cast for Tamina made wanna point a gun to my head.. okay that was too harsh... but you get what I mean.

Oh Gerared Way~... He looks like a tortured soul *-*.. I have this urge to save him, haha XD! yeah I have a soft spot for sensitive guys. Who doesn't?

Patched things up with my dad, everything's good now, and I feel so much better, didn't realize how empty I felt deep inside because of it, it was only when we started talking again; when I felt how much I missed him. When I wasn't talking to him, it was like sharing a home with my enemy, I wasn't bothered, I couldn't care less... now I get that..you just can't live like that... there's such a difference when we're okay, and when we're giving each other the cold shoulder, I know you're thinking "OFCOURSE!", well to a normal dysfunctional family; yes, but I had this hard headed concept in me that went like "Yeah, whatever, I can be on my own, I don't need anyone", which I did manage (without difficulty), but gosh, I didn't even notice it built a heavy knot in my heart. Which disappeared like 'poof'!
I still think like that sometimes... that I don't need anyone.. I can manage myself... but everyone needs help.

Times are getting harder, everyone, and I mean everyone, in my family is going through alot. Death, illness, money problems, homelessness... sigh*, it's overwhelming. I don't know how many times I've said that in this blog, that it's getting 'too much', but really, that's how it is. :\
I let a few tears fall this afternoon, while playing Christina Aguilera's "Lift Me Up" (such a beautiful song). Her voice and meaningful music really speak to me like no other artist, gives me that little glimmer of hope :) . *cough* her album leaked by the way, yays :3, haha, wow I went all xtina-stan from such a serious topic XD. Ehem. anyways... yeah... it's the time we need God the most.

Exams are coming soon, aigo... haven't begun studying, I tried yesterday, I flipped my Biology book open and started reading a few pages, then I wandered off to the reproduction chapter XD (it's not coming) and ended up learning that lmao. Ohh the human body is awesome. ~
Wanna make my parents proud and do amazing in my exams. I admit I've been slacking off and not very concerned about it. I hope my willpower is strong enough to stick through with my new-found motivation.

Anyways, can't wait for the holidays, next year feels promising. :]

Back to the days; of playhouse and barbies.

2010-05-22T21:09:00.000+04:00

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do

I don't believe that anybody

Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

A side of someone you never thought you'd see...

2010-05-21T13:15:00.004+04:00

I don't know where to begin with this, because I guess everyone's experienced having someone they thought they knew... only to realize they didn't know them at all.

Well last night was a true eye opener for me, (I wish I could tell you blow by blow of everything, cuz I know you guys hate vague details, but like always, I respect people's privacy, so yeah..)

You just never really know someone... 100%... you can't, it's impossible..

Let's call this person, 'Aaron'.

So, you get to know Aaron, you become great friends, best friends infact, and the connection between you two intensifies so fast that you begin to fear it'll die just as quickly... and it does... now you try to mend this broken friendship and it's getting better, you're getting better.. then you see a side of Aaron you never thought he had, you think "who are you?", is this the person I thought I knew? the person I thought I could have something meaningful with? and suddenly the disappointment you felt of losing someone changes ~~stops~~,the disappointment you feel now is more like "How could I have been so blind, so naive to believe the person he was selling himself to be?"...

Last night, when I saw this 'side', I wasn't hurt, I wasn't heartbroken, I felt 50% - I don't care | 50% - what.the.fuck.

This isn't the first time this has happened to me, but this IS the first time, that the realization hit me so hard, I didn't even have time to blink, like god... WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU??? where's Aaron? is he dead or was Aaron just fake? You think you know, but you have no idea.

I've learned alot about guys this year. About guys, about friends, about people, about myself... which I'm thankful for, really, cuz I am confident that there won't be a next time for taking this shit. Now I know what I want, what I need, what's good for me, and what's bad for me. I have a clearer vision of how thing's can end, how things can go. And most importantly; what's real and what isn't.

"What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger", right? I'm not damaged goods, or a girl emotionally wrecked for all the things I've been through. Not someone who's building giant walls around her (I used to, but someone tore them down). No. Let's just say I'm stronger and more aware now. Even if things go crappy you'll still see me smiling. I hope you guys remember that post when I spoke about "Letting go, forgiving, not for anyone, but for yourself, because the person who wronged you isn't suffering or thinking about what they did to you, it's you. So let go."

As a Scorpio, it can be difficult for me to grasp these concepts I 'preach' about, because otherwise I'd be hell bent on revenge and oozing with dark aura =_=. IT'S A FUCKING CYCLE EVERYONE! there's that point when you're in cloud 9, then things go down, and by that I mean crashing through the atmosphere like a ball of fire, into a pile of wreckage :) . Then you get up and things rise up to cloud 9 again. I'm just waiting now.

I admit I'm a little bitter with how God wanted me to learn these things the hard way, but whatever.

I'm not depressed, I'm actually pretty happy now a days, believe it or not haha XD. I bounce back pretty fast, I'm proud of myself for that :) . Cuz I will never ever cry for a boy, they're just boys for god's sake. and I will never ever change for anyone. Time to stop looking for someone, cuz you need to start thinking that they should be looking for you. Don't underestimate your worth.

PHOOOO!!! to all the girls (and guys), who feel this post: BE HAPPY.

Skip Beat!

2010-05-15T20:04:00.000+04:00

Sink Or Swim

2010-05-14T16:08:00.002+04:00

Seems like alot of people now a days are catching a cold, probably just the weather... I wanna get sick too. It's strange, but I actually like the feeling of being sick (not dangerously ill ofcourse =_=).. just you know..? that dazed, sluggish high you get? lmao.

OH MY GOD. Ever since Mark bought Serendipity's "Frrrozen Hot Chocolate" from New York, I have been cravinggg it! it's the best thing I have ever eaten. ever.

I am currently studying psychology, it's so interesting, I wouldn't mind a career in this, it's in my forte, hehe. I think I've classified that I have anxiety issues. No surprise.

When I'm unsure or just curious of how to do something, I immediately run to wiki-how XD. Come on, it's not like you've never done it. lmao.

HOW TO GET OVER A BREAK UP:

Think through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively.

Go ahead and mull it over, as many times as necessary, within reason. Consider all the reasons you two broke up. Even if it sometimes seems as if there wasn't a good reason, there certainly was one - and probably more than one.

Don't rethink your decision.

If the breakup was your decision, keep in mind that only thinking about all the good times you had with your partner may cause you to forget the reasons why you broke it off.

Write all your feelings down.

Write in a journal or try writing poems. The most important thing is to be absolutely honest and don't edit yourself as you go. One of the best results of writing it all down is that sometimes you will be amazed by a sudden insight that comes to you as you are pouring it all out onto paper.

Find happiness in other areas of your life.

Whether that means spending time with your friends and family.

Let go.

Understand that there is no benefit in holding on to heartache, regret, and hatred toward another person. Realize that although it is over, your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways. You can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love, and encourage your heart that even though love didn't work out this time, there will be a next time.

I'm planning to whip out my old journals again, and bury my head in it until I get back on my feet.
Well.. I'm already back on my feet, but... like a new born deer XD... or Uma Thurman when she woke up from a coma in Kill Bill... haha

This post is chopped up I know.

We were meant to be. Supposed to be. But we lost it.

2010-05-07T00:35:00.000+04:00

It is one month before the last days of school. And things have ended just as fast as it started.

I feel I've changed so much this year I don't quite understand who I really am anymore. I'm not trying to be mellow dramatic, but honestly, this is how I feel. Things come and go. Things change. And everytime it does; I mold myself to adapt to these changes, constantly... so much, that it's like I forgot my original form.

I know, I'm talking all cryptic again, (one of the things my brother absolutely hates about me) but it's true.

Maybe that's why I'm so unhappy... I wanna say so much about my problems and my failures, but my pride isn't letting me. Cuz these past few weeks I've been acting in a way that the old Lyka would frown upon. Argh.

Tried being positive and optimistic, and it worked... for a day. Then I couldn't take it anymore and went back to being pessimistic, it's less exhausting.

I wanna speak candidly from here onwards:

I hate how every single fucking song on my iPod reminds me of you. And how every song, every verse, every line reminds me of you. I hate how we have so many memories, and how everything I see and hear from the moment I wake up reminds me something of you. Something we did, something you said. I wish I didn't have so many memories because this is the only thing that's holding me back from moving forward completely. Memories are what brings the feelings back. I'm trying to burn your memory to the ground, but I've been finding that impossible. I have no doubt in my mind that I'll get over this ofcourse. But it's just so painful sometimes... I didn't do it because I wanted to. I did it because I knew I had to. Because it just wasn't worth it anymore. . .

That's my weak side. But when I'm strong..:

I do not need to depend a guy to make me happy. I can make myself happy. I do not need to rely on a man to make me feel special. Screw guys, they're a complete waste of time. Love is a prelude to destruction and despair (wow ok). Honestly speaking, most of the time I feel so much happier and better off single (even though, I REALLY CAN'T STAND IT!!!) and I don't miss him at all. I fucking hate wallowing in my own sorrows, makes me feel sick, literally. I wanna go out and surround myself with friends and have fun. I think that's the only remedy.

Thennnnn... the weak side kicks in.. I start to feel lonely, and looking for attention, and just for that someone... I think I'm just addicted to that "feeling". Who isn't?

This only happens briefly ofcourse.. then I pull myself together...

I'm a really sensitive person on the inside ok?! BWAHH!! Keeping my face straight and as hard as stone takes up so much of my energy.

Last night I pretended to fall asleep while reading Memoirs of A Geisha, so that I could wake up late in the morning and not go to school, cuz I just really didn't feel like it. I NEED A DAY OFF TOO SOMETIMES YA KNOW! But my big ass windows don't have curtains yet, so as soon as sunrise hit my face I was wide awake, I thought it was 8AM already and that I was home free, then I checked my phone and it read "5:59AM". Mom came in my room and told me to wake up and go to school or else "Whats the point of me paying for your school if you're not going? Might as well just stop your education". I went to school today and it wasn't that bad.

Things I'm happy/grateful about:

My brothers.
My best friends who are unbelievably supportive, people who I can't live without. Nagi; my bestbestbesbtbestbest friend!! is there another word better than best? cuz if there is, that's what I'd use for him ♥, Hawa; who is my freakin' rock. and soulmate in another world, Radhika; the friend who I get along with so well, and feel so comfortable with, I think I can call her up even when I'm 60 and we'd still be the same. And alot of others... :)
Upgraded MAC to MAC OSX Snow Leopard TvT.
Happy to be... alive? LOL.

Yeahhhh... not alot to be happy about. More like compensation for the fucked up shit I've been going through.

Speaking of which, I haven't spoken to my dad for 2 months now, he claimed he "doesn't have a daughter anymore" and that he'd rather ride with the workers than sit in the same car as me. I didn't hurt me one bit don't worry, because I really don't care, lmao is that bad?

Well we did speak today...

Me: Need to record American Idol for mom.

Father: *hands remote*

Me: *hands it back*

Ok.. not speak, "interact".

I do feel bad if I think about it, cuz yeah yeah you never know there might not be a tomorrow etc. etc.

And I do understand his point of view. Don't think I'm some stupid, inconsiderate girl.

I just have too much pride. I wonder where I got it from?

Tonight I've Fallen and I can't get up

2010-04-12T23:35:00.000+04:00

Hello again :)

Fell asleep on my uncomfortable bed, and just woke up 20mins ago. I traded mattresses with my brother last night, cuz I wanted the big fluffy quilt. So we did, and as soon as I laid on that mattress I was like "Oh shit.", huge mistake. sigh* Damn it. I want my old mattress back!

Anyways, argh, I feel really crappy tonight, had this migraine since I woke up =_=, again, not taking care of myself. Love life and family troubles are tearing me up inside. I should be focused and determined to not let it get to me, it's so easy to be sad and just let yourself go, it's getting up and doing something about it that's hard to do. *wise ass Lyka talking*

Today I cleaned the house, being a very good girl lately, and even doing the laundry. Took a long shower, then used the comp. Yeah that sums up my day.

People have been coming over to my house almost every day, sometimes without even telling me beforehand. It's starting to annoy my mom XD. Tomorrow (inshallah) my friend and I are gonna go swimming, hit the gym, practice the dance, eat burgers and drown our sorrows in ice cream.

School starts this week, and as usual, I'm procrastinating. Sunday is PE, and we're starting swimming this term, I'm a bit iffy about it, cuz haha, I don't know why, I'm not comfortable swimming in school, I admit I'm a little conscious about my body, and HOLY SHIT, what about my hair? no blowdryer!!! O.O AIGO. This is bad. VERY BAD. *slightly panicked*

Changed my skin routine this month! I am confident enough to say that I have really good skin now XD!

My latest interests are professional cameras (specifically a Nikon), J-Rock and Visual Kei bands, circle lenses, make up and korean hairstyles :)

(-Leaves computer, comes back 3 hours later.-)

Went to the gym, brother's spontaneously decided to work out.
:D *feels great*

Isn't he cute? :3

Chocolate Bunnies

2010-04-04T12:47:00.000+04:00

Happy Easter everyone :)
Praise be to God, and God bless!

Black Friday

2010-04-03T13:47:00.000+04:00

I was really excited to go to the beach this Friday, I even picked out a nice beach outfit a week beforehand; to spare myself the torture of last minute stress. On Thursday morning I woke up from a weird dream, I was in the beach, hugging someone, then I pulled back, and said in shock "It's Black Friday!", and immediately I woke up, and realized, "SHIT. It's Black Friday tomorrow!!!". I ran to my brothers room and he confirmed it "YUP! YEAH, IT'S TOMORROW :)!", fuckkkk... As soon as I woke up I was getting bad news left and right, but nothing bugged me more than the fact I couldn't go to the beach anymore. Oh my plans... sigh* I HAD SO MANY PLANS!!! Argh, and I felt a pang whenever I looked out my window, I have a fucking beach view! and I could just envision my friends being there.

I kept my phone off the whole day because I was so upset.

There are some religious obligations that I absolutely cannot escape, and I feel a bit bad that I'm not being sensitive to this holy season.

Yesterday we didn't eat meat, my mom fasted, and we all stayed home.

Holy Week is still going on, I think it ends this Sunday, which is Easter Sunday, my mom's planning a dinner party to celebrate, and to show off our almost-fully-decorated home, which I must admit, is coming together nicely. Except my room... which is still bare and resembles an asylum. It's so white in here. Mark said we'd take a trip to IKEA and ACE hardware soon, to buy paint and furniture (which I am lacking), I don't wanna paint my room actually, because I know I get tired of things easily, I can't imagine having a pink wall for a year, or a green.. or blue.. purple??? maybe? I'm considering an ashy purple for the walls, Mark thinks it's a great idea and that it'd go with the furniture, I'll just trust him on this without question, because, hello, his room practically looks like a hotel room.

Currently reading the "Da Vinci Code", arghh and at such a bad time, it's Holy Week for god's sake, and I'm reading the "Da Vinci" code? what's wrong with me? I feel like my religiousness is wavering. and becoming less and less...
I was reading the whole day, and lying in bed like a vegetable. It felt so strange to be at home ._.

Hmmm... what am I doing today? Nothing...
I woke up at around 7, took a shower and continued reading... I wanna get outta the house!!! I haven't stayed home this long in ages!!! and it's funny how I used to LOVE staying at home alone (I still do) and preferred it over going out, but sheesh! I was practically caged back then. I have alot of freedom now :) and I'm really grateful for it.

Anyways, I'm blabbing, really nothing to talk about.

Ja.

explodes

2010-03-31T18:02:00.000+04:00

sorry if this gave you slight epilepsy.

2010-03-31T18:00:00.000+04:00

I wanna be a player ._.

2010-03-31T17:56:00.000+04:00

I got a strange idea earlier. What if I disguise myself as a dude, go to a mall, hit on girls, and see how many I can make swoon?

lmao. Does this idea worry you?

This popped into my head, cuz my friend asked me "What should I say if a girl says 'I don't wanna lose you again'?", I replied saying "just say 'you won't.". 2 mins later, he was really happy, cuz the girl responded to it with hearts and smileys.

It's so easy to make a girl go "awwww", guys must feel so accomplished whenever they manage to do it.

Anyways,

Today was PTM, but thank god, my mom forgot about it. I know I did bad this term. Spring holidays has begun and I already have a bunch of plans for my 2 weeks of freedom. One of them is to get a new hairstyle, I think people have gotten tired of seeing my usual head of dead, limp black hair. Oh, I've also made up my mind to quit Rock Challenge, quit... I don't like that word... but yeah, the whole production is hopeless, it's chaos in there. It's a shame really, all the hard work we all put into it. Quitting goes against my self imposed rule; to always finish what I start, but I think I'll excuse myself this time.

Now that I think of it, circle lenses look really creepy ._.
I wanna try ordering a pair though, to see how it looks, but it's a bit pricey... I'll see...
Apparently oversized pupils are considered attractive. haha...

I probably sound like a Debbie Downer today, truth is I'm just really tired today.

God, I sound like I'm 40.

Ja Ne.

Holiday!

2010-03-30T15:14:00.001+04:00

End of term holiday's just started. yays.
temporary blogskin.

COUNTDOWN

2010-03-26T11:21:00.004+04:00

2010-03-16T21:39:00.001+04:00

Maybe It's True That I Can't Live Without You.

2010-03-16T21:34:00.000+04:00

Hellooooo...

Drinking. I do not drink. Even though right now I am pretty tempted to start, I won't. Because I promised myself no drinking until I'm 18, and absolutely no smoking.

Aren't I a good girl?

Reason I brought this up, is because, there's a party this week, which I must attend, and there's gonna be booze and alot of crazy shit you'd expect in a house party with no adults. I'm cool with all that, I am. But it's just gonna be so unpleasant for me, if everyone around is high off their asses or wasted. I'm a party person, but I got limits. I'm just counting on some of my school friends, who like me, don't drink, will be there.

These past few days have been very turbulent, at times I think to myself "God, I love my life. And everyone around me", and then the next day it's "God, how does everything get so shitty? I don't wanna show my face". I really don't feel like going to school tomorrow. I need a rest... Oh fuck I have a Media CAT tomorrow... yeah guess I'm going =.='

Arrrghhhh... what a mess what a mess...

I'm so stuck.
-

Hit me with lightening.

2010-03-06T14:03:00.001+04:00

I suppose having no structure in my life is the reason why I've been feeling like such a slump. Today I woke up at 9am, because I couldn't stand the sandiness in my hair anymore (sandstorm yesterday while I was at Wonderland), so I got up, had breakfast, and realized I couldn't stop eating. After I finished my eggs, I had chips, then I finished, then I ate jelly, and while I was stuffing my face and eating my feelings, I realized, that eating all this junk is partly to blame for my crappy mood. So I dumped the jelly and went to clean my room. I'm gonna plan out this whole day because I have school tomorrow, and time is ticking, and I still haven't studied for my english CAT, and everytime I think of it, I feel like a heavy wave washes over my brain, and dread fills the pit of my stomach, so I need to get this outta the way.

So, today I will:

1. Shower (get the annoying sandiness out), get changed and hit the gym.
2. Upload the Holi pics cuz Radhika's been bugging me about it since morning. Update my iPod.
3. Read Naruto Manga, and watch some Anime. Time flies whenever I watch Anime, and it takes my mind off of my problems for hours.
4. Study for English CAT.
5. Read "The Stand", YES. I still haven't finished this long ass book.
-

Oh Velez~

2010-02-27T20:52:00.001+04:00

I think I have a time management problem. I procrastinate everything. Especially my schoolwork, it's all very annoying. I'd put off the tiniest things that could be done right at that moment.

Procrastination may result in stress, a sense of guilt and crisis, severe loss of personal productivity, as well as societal disapproval for not meeting responsibilities or commitments. These feelings combined may promote further procrastination. While it is regarded as normal for people to procrastinate to some degree, it becomes a problem when it impedes normal functioning.

Hmmm... craving Taho and extra large fries from McDonalds right now. Gahh I don't know what's up with me now days, I feel scattered and outta place, maybe I lost my "Mojo" again? I used to carry the most interesting conversations, now it's so blah.

Next week is this "Rang De" thing for Holi, which is an Indian festival, literally meaning "Festival of Colors", they celebrate it by throwing colored powder at each other, like... how they throw tomatoes at each other in Italy...
It's held in a theme park, and hundreds of people are attending, it's no doubt, gonna be huge. My friend is inviting me and a few others to come with her, I'm kinda looking forward to it, I've never been to one those before o.o, apparently I have to wear all white XD, haha, it's a new experience, why not! This year I'm being so open to try anything new. I think I'd feel ridiculous in that festival, they'll all be like "WTF is this Filipino chick doing here?", oh I can see it now... ._. I won't be the only non-indian there though... whatever...

Lately I've just been lying in bed doing nothing, completely wasting my time because I'm not in the mood for anything, maybe to talk to my boyfriend, but oh I love solitude, I feel like I need a ton of space after every social interaction, and just disappear for a while.

Karma and Jinxing has now become a permanent mentality of mine, and I hate it with every fibre of my being. Even if I tell myself, whatever happens, happens, and that no matter what I say, or think, fate will take it's own course. Yes? Well this doesn't seem to be the matter when it comes to my life. I can't be too excited or look forward to anything because it always comes crashing down as soon as I open my mouth and mention the smallest detail about it, it's so frustrating, and yes, I know, this is all bullshit, but if you know me personally, I am living proof that "jinxes" happen. I think the universe just works like this, it's a constant change, of fazes in your life, nothing ever stays the exact same, you'll reach an extremely happy point in your life... then it all comes down, slowly, gradually, or before you can even blink. Then it reaches to the point of hell, when you're about to lose all hope or have already... then you see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's ok again, and you're back at cloud nine... then 2 days later.. the cycle begins.. nothing, and I mean NOTHING, stays the same. And as things are going well, and you're happy, there's that heartbreaking, nagging feeling, at the back of your mind, saying it's not gonna last forever, that in a couple of days, weeks, months... it'll be over. And you just don't wanna get hurt.

I'm scared... I'm in cloud nine right now, trying to enjoy it as much as possible, and savor every moment, I don't wanna think about the day I might come down... cuz I think it'd just hurt too much, I've never feared losing something this much, I feel like I've been defeated, and just so vulnerable. I hate to admit it, because I keep a cold, emotionless, distant face when it comes to love. It's my defense.

Things always change for the better, I know. But argh... I never want this to change...

Have I jinxed this enough now? I think so. Fuck.

Now I'm just blabbing. Anyways, I think this post is excruciatingly long enough.
Getting sick, been feeling ill since Thursday. Hrmmm...

Ja.

I was about to end this post and click "Publish", then my mom barges into my room and goes fucking bitch crazy on me. She just loves taking it out on me. And my extremely annoying, immature father, comes in the kitchen, with his tiny surveillance camera, to tape the whole thing. Because he's bored. And he's just got this stupid happy expression on his face (that makes me wanna beat him up so bad), that it's not him my mom is lashing out on, that he's enjoying the scene, fucking asshole. like that face a kid in a classroom has when the teacher is punishing somebody else, and he's just sitting there, laughing and pointing, ugh. that is my father exactly. I understand something must've happened to make my mother and father that fucked in the head, but I think I have a limit for my understanding, even though I know I am above average when it comes to it. My life at home is fucked up. Be grateful yours isn't.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

2010-02-25T00:00:00.012+04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAWA 'PEANUT' FEISAL.

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING! ♥
- 

Should I Give Up?

2010-02-19T21:19:00.000+04:00

Everytime I turn around I find my heart in pieces in the ground.

2010-02-19T00:15:00.001+04:00

Feels weird to be home on a Thursday night. These past few weeks have been hectic!!! Stuff is actually happening to my used-to-be standstill life X] .

I am loving my new apartment in Dubai, holy shit; everything is so convenient at my building, not to mention all the potential "hiding places" if ya know what I mean :3 hehe, I was kinda bummed that pets are absolutely not allowed, until I found out there's like 6 cats living at the garden. :)

Rock Challenge is goin' gewwd, having alot of fun, it's very Bollywood to be honest haha XD, but I really don't care.

Went for my annual eye check up again, and phooo... I think I could go blind by the time I'm 30. I don't know what to do, well, I DO KNOW what to do! But it's not easy, I can't eat bags of carrots everyday and expect it to miraculously become 20/20 vision. I've recently started going to the gym (I know, finally), 30 minutes on the treadmill, and I'm slowly extending my time on it every few days. I'm following whatever Mark did, cuz his grade went lower once he started going to the gym and shit. Need to get more blood to my head.

Becoming very lazy in my studies again, I just have no motivation whatsoever, I also do not care about competition, I could care less if my friend got more than me in a test, I just don't have that "I wanna whoop her ass" attitude anymore. Must look for motivation! If not, my social life is gonna suffer.

Anyways... how's my love life you ask? ... lmao, I am currently a single lady XD . Just need to be on my own right now... I'm enjoying it, Valentine's Day wasn't lonely though hehe.

Not to sound conceited, but lately, guys have started to notice me more, been getting hit on alot by random, creepy guys. I dunno, I'm very oblivious to what guys think of me, and how they see me, I'm not the type to stand in the mirror and be all "OH I LOOK DAYMN FIIINE!", so yeah...
It's flattering in a way... it's nice to know you're that not that ugly. I sound shallow, yes I know. But I feel extremely uncomfortable whenever strange men give me the look up and down. Gives me the shivers. Sometimes they look so perverted; I could vomit in my mouth. =.=

♥ DeviantArt, Popsicles, Uchiha Sasuke, Lookbook, Chloe, Adele.
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Scream at me, make it the best I've ever heard.

2010-02-03T18:41:00.000+04:00

I'm so confused. I don't know what I want, I don't know what to do.
I feel ashamed and guilty.

I don't blame you if you wanna start hating me.